Shaken

Shaken, not stirred. That's how it feels around here tonight. I'm shaken, all the way to my heart. What has happened to my family??? Derick's not the same little boy anymore. He's changed. I've changed. We've all changed. It was a night of tears, raised voices, and tantrums. I don't like how often our voices get raised these days. And, it seems like Derick is getting into trouble alot. Daddy and Derick seem to always be fighting each other. Was it this way before, and I just notice it more now? Or has this addition to our family pushed Derick so far out of his comfort zone that he feels like he's got to act out to get our attention? Am I doing all I can for him? I don't know if I am. Clearly, things are not ever going to be the same. But, this way, this feeling, can't stay either. It's not good for any of us. I am so afraid of screwing up. Of damaging him somehow. It's funny, I worried about that when I brought him home from the hospital 2.5 years ago. And now I bring home another one, and I'm more worried about Derick than Darla. My heart is breaking tonight. For my son. For our lost way of life. We are in the unknown again, and it's hard. Sleepless nights, all of us out of routine, driven to just get the basics done. But are we driving away our sweet little boy? How will I have enough for all of them, and me? Looking back over the evening, I made a bunch of little mistakes. I missed the cues he was sending. I tried to stay calm, and just get him to bed. But, all these little things ended in tantrums and melt downs. And, it wore down my calm-ness. I lost control somehow and had my own meltdown. I'm not proud of my parenting tonight. Thank God love underlines all our actions. I pray that Derick will feel that and know in his heart that we care. And that we love him, so very much.

Much to be thankful for

I am Thankful today, for so many things:

Two weeks ago today, we welcomed our little girl into our lives. What a beautiful thanksgiving gift we have been given! Darla continues to grow in body and into our hearts. After our last check up, she was well above her birth weight at 8lbs 10 oz, and our Pediatrician pronounced her "perfect." It's music to a mother's ears. I was able to confirm, she does struggle with Acid Reflux. But it's not impeding her ability to eat, so we are going to let her body grow into itself and not give her any drugs. The doc told us to keep her upright as much as we can, propping her while she sleeps, especially. And to make sure she is well burped after meals. All this, we were already doing. She does struggle with gas, and cries out sometimes with pain. And, I have spent more time sleeping in my nursing chair with her than planned.........but, all things considered, it's worth it. She's a sweetie and we love her so much.

I continue to heal. Today, I was able to remove all of the left over glue that was still attached to my belly after the c section. It was left from the screens they put on my skin, around the incision site. The skin under the glue has been too tender, until today, to get it all off. My scar continues to heal, and my pain levels continue to drop. I am still taking Ibuprofen twice a day, to help with occasional aches. Overall, I am starting to feel like myself again.

D-Man drama! I AM thankful for my beautiful and smart son. He's such a 2 year old right now! He's pushing our limits, talking back to us, telling us no, and being contrary just because he can. If you ask him why he's doing something, his favorite answer is, "Because I am." He's such a big story teller. It's so much fun to listen to him ramble. He's thoughts seem so sophisticated sometimes, I forget he's only 2.5. Derick is loving his sister so much, giving her kisses all the time, asking to see her, and generally being the most loving I have EVER seen him be. It warms my heart. I do miss being in our old routine sometimes, having time to just play with him or take him out to play dates. I have been trying to keep some connection with him since Darla, but it's just not the same. I know it will even out with time, but for now, I miss my little man.

My love, my partner, my friend. I am SO thankful for you Jeremy. Without you, my life would look so different. We aren't perfect or dialed in to each all the time, but I know our love simmers below the surface and will once again re-emerge. We shook up our lives pretty good this time, and I am so grateful it's you I'm walking beside. Parenthood is the hardest thing we've ever done together. Thank you for standing with me during the meltdowns, the highs, the lows, and everything in between.

Family & Friends
How many riches we have, beyond the dollar. Thank you, Spirit, for all of our blessings. We are so supported by wonderful caring and loving family and friends.

Time Warp

There's a funny thing that happens when there's a new baby in the house.....the whole family enters a time warp. I can't tell you how many times I have looked up at a clock and said, "It's _____(insert a time) already?!?" I am amazed at how quickly time flies away from us as we just get the basic things done around the house. Potty, meals, showers, a bit of laundry, feedings, diaper changes, nap time.....it just seems to go so fast. Darla is 11 days old today, and I can't believe she'll be two weeks on Thursday. We all are continuing to take each day as it comes. I'm healing on a up one day, back the next, kind of schedule. Darla and I continue to figure out feedings. Some days she's on top of it, some days, not as much. Jeremy and Derick continue their battle of wills mixed in with some sweet Father and Son moments.

We haven't been doing a lot of exciting stuff, just visiting with family and friends....well, and getting to know our daughter. Here's a few pics from the last few days and a video of Derick and Daddy playing in the yard with the leaves.

Derick loves to hold his baby sister any chance he gets.

Babies sleep so soundly.....and I just love to see that peaceful face.

Derick's new big boy bunk beds-he really loves to show them off.

Playing in Daddy's leaf pile, such fun!

Darla Jean Peery

So we made it....Darla is here, finally!!! I am so pleased to be past that moment in time. Our scheduled C section went as expected and pretty smoothly. We were in the hospital by 5:40am; prepped for surgery and being wheeled into the OR by 7:20am. Our little girl was born at 7:56am, weighing in at 8 lbs 2 oz and 18 inches long. She was a little heavier and a little shorter than her big brother's birth stats. However, when looking into that little face, it was like seeing Derick's scowl and squished face all over again. We spent the rest of the day visiting with family and watching our little girl. The only tough part was seeing her struggle with the amniotic fluid in her lungs. It was really hard for me to hear her choking and gaging so much. I was already worried about that aspect. But after the first 12 hours, she got it all out and things settled down for me. I don't sleep well in hospitals, and this time it was no different than with Derick. The only time we got rest was when Darla was sleeping on my chest. I was so glad to get home Saturday afternoon.


Derick has been such a loving big brother, both Jeremy and I are amazed at how tender and protective he already is. A nurse was doing something with Darla in the hospital, and he kept saying, "Don't, Don't, Don't..." just making sure that the nurse knew he was watching out for his sister. It's adorable and so sweet to watch him. He always wants to hold her, touch her, and listens for any little peep that she makes, exclaiming, "My baby sister!" We still have to watch him closely, as he likes to put his fingers in her mouth, nose, eyes....but I know it's just curiosity. Above all, he's taking this new baby sister thing all in stride. I couldn't be more proud of him.

Life with a newborn is not easy, and I have found there is alot I had forgotten. Good and not so good. My recovery from the C is going slower than the first time around, and there are new and different feelings of pain. But, after a visit to the doctor Monday, I'm accepting them and doing my best to move past that part. Breastfeeding is going well, my milk came in the day we left the hospital. What I have learned is, not all babies feed the same. Derick was a drinker, and he was FAST. Darla, is more of a sipper, and not as fast as Derick. I took a shower Monday morning, and freaked out, finding that I had some swollen lumps in my armpits. After my doctor visit, I have learned that women have breast tissue all the way into their armpits, and it can fill with milk, if your baby is not emptying your breasts fast enough! Who knew? But, a little swollen milk glands, I can deal with that.

There are so many things I had forgotten about newborn babies, that I love! I love that soft feeling of their heads, as they snuggle up against your shoulder. I love the cooing, the little noises they make, and even the way they breathe. I forgot about the swell of love that moves between the two of you when they open their eyes and connect with you. I love their adorable small toes and fingers; and that new baby smell..........well, there's really nothing like it on earth.

We took Ms Darla into the doc yesterday for her first check up. She's doing well and is just a few oz under her birth weight. We'll be back above 8 lbs by next week, for sure. The funniest moment we've had so far, occurred at the doctor visit. In order to weigh her, we had to undress Darla, including her diaper. As soon as I took the diaper off, she exploded. And, I DO mean exploded. Projectile poop, people. Amazingly, she missed hitting the other three people in the room, but left a mess on the floor. I was too amazed to be all that embarrassed. Until, as we were cleaning it up, it happened again!!! Yup, twice in a row, a shot of poop flung across the room. I had never seen anything like it before. And to top it off, as we were getting ready to take her to the scale, she peed on the table. All I could do was laugh and hope the nurse wasn't too disturbed. I'm really not sure Darla liked the doctor's much. What a moment....I'll never forget it.

As I write this, my heart is full of love for our new little addition. She's lying on my lap, sleeping in that way that only newborns do. Deeply. Today has been an emotional day, filled with lots of tears and frustration. I know the days will get better, and I look forward to the moments to come as we continue to learn how to be the best family of four we can be. For now, we are taking it day by day.

Monsters in the house!

My poor little man was really worried about monsters tonight. Daddy is out at a meeting, so it was just Derick and I for dinner and bedtime. I think we both felt like the house was too dark and too quiet without Jeremy. Winter is definitely here. I kept the music going until it was time to read stories. That helped us both alot! After getting into jammies, he told me there were monsters in the house. I told him that’s why baby bear sleeps with him, to protect him. He kept insisting they were in my room. So, we went and checked the room, just to make sure. I closed the window (it was cracked open), and told him that might be how they got in. But we shoo-ed them out, so it was safe again. I felt so at a loss, I wanted to reassure him that everything was fine, without making him feel silly or wrong for having fears. He’s been refusing to let us close the door at night time, these days. I even put a brighter night light in his room. But, it doesn't seem to matter. He still insists on having the door open. It's harmless, so I am letting it go. But I think it makes it harder for him to fall asleep, hearing Jeremy and I moving around the house. My little boy is afraid of the dark! I feel so bad......and so amazed at his growth. How did we get here so fast? Tonight, I made sure I took the moments we had together and savored them.

Photos of 38 weeks

I just thought I'd share a couple of pics that Jeremy took this morning. Peanut is 38 weeks and we are about 4 days away from her birth. It's definitely different this time, knowing exactly when we'll have her. But this super planner is taking advantage! :) Enjoy the big belly, it's not going to be around much longer!

One more week

In one week, at this time, Jeremy and I will be looking into the face of our daughter. It's kinda surreal, exciting, and nerve-racking all at the same time. I think we are pretty much ready. We just have the hospital bag and Derick's overnight bag to pack and a few little things to do. I am so ready to have my body back now. While our little peanut is growing normally, she's started to push on ribs, and twang some nerves in there that tend to make me a little more uncomfortable these days. I got to see an 8 day old baby last night, and let me tell you, he was the CUTEST thing. It made me really get excited to hold our little girl in my arms. I'm still kinda nervous about all that infant stuff...nursing, recovery from surgery, sleepless nights, Derick's reaction.....but, I know we'll make it through. This impatient mama says, "Let's get this show on the ROAD!"

From Spa Bliss to Head Cold Sickness

The last few days have been a struggle. I re-read my blog about the spa and was so bummed that I lost that Blissful feeling so fast. But the next day, I came down with one of the worst head colds I've had in ages. I am sure it's from lack of sleep. I don't think I slept more than an hour or two at a time Wednesday or Thursday nights, that week. I do know, without good rest, my immune system fails. So, it was no surprise to me to wake up so yucky. The good news is, I am starting to recover. I hope it's all gone soon, so I don't have to go into the hospital with a cold.

Things have been tense around here the last few days. Jeremy worked alot over the weekend, getting one of his teams moved from one building to another. He's phone and IT support, so alot gets done after hours. Sunday was his only day home, and we tried to spend it getting last minute things done for the baby. I had a list of stuff to bring down from the attic. Once it was all down, it filled my landing space on the stairwell!!! Bouncy seats, car seats, infant tub, nursing pillows, toys, bottles.........it's kinda crazy how much stuff goes into caring for an infant. I guess I forgot. I think all three of us kinda freaked out. The anxiety level jumped 50% for Jeremy and I and Derick picked it up like little one's do. We spent all day snapping at each other or in tears. (Well, Derick and I shed the tears) I kept thinking: I'm not sure that I really want to go through the tiny infant thing again. When I first got pregnant, I longed for the tiny baby snuggled up against me. But, now I'm starting to remember the long sleepless nights, the pumping, the feedings, the fear of not knowing how to stop the crying. I am hoping all that will go fast and we'll get into the fun stages quickly....the smiles, the cooing, the more set sleep patterns.

On top of all that stuff to get ready, we thought it would be fun to go look at bunk beds for Derick's room. Which store did we pick? Well, which one would be the busiest and most crazy one? You guessed it, we went to IKEA on a Sunday. What was I thinking???? Needless to say, it was not a good trip. We all came home frustrated and ready for naps.

I do want to say, Monday and today have been much better around here. I know all families go through rough days together. That's life. And, as I continue to feel better, that only helps. The anxiety about adding a little baby to our family continues, but we'll do the best we can once she gets here. I feel very supported by family and friends. As I get the last of things washed and put away, the final waiting games begin.