Shaken

Shaken, not stirred. That's how it feels around here tonight. I'm shaken, all the way to my heart. What has happened to my family??? Derick's not the same little boy anymore. He's changed. I've changed. We've all changed. It was a night of tears, raised voices, and tantrums. I don't like how often our voices get raised these days. And, it seems like Derick is getting into trouble alot. Daddy and Derick seem to always be fighting each other. Was it this way before, and I just notice it more now? Or has this addition to our family pushed Derick so far out of his comfort zone that he feels like he's got to act out to get our attention? Am I doing all I can for him? I don't know if I am. Clearly, things are not ever going to be the same. But, this way, this feeling, can't stay either. It's not good for any of us. I am so afraid of screwing up. Of damaging him somehow. It's funny, I worried about that when I brought him home from the hospital 2.5 years ago. And now I bring home another one, and I'm more worried about Derick than Darla. My heart is breaking tonight. For my son. For our lost way of life. We are in the unknown again, and it's hard. Sleepless nights, all of us out of routine, driven to just get the basics done. But are we driving away our sweet little boy? How will I have enough for all of them, and me? Looking back over the evening, I made a bunch of little mistakes. I missed the cues he was sending. I tried to stay calm, and just get him to bed. But, all these little things ended in tantrums and melt downs. And, it wore down my calm-ness. I lost control somehow and had my own meltdown. I'm not proud of my parenting tonight. Thank God love underlines all our actions. I pray that Derick will feel that and know in his heart that we care. And that we love him, so very much.