Today, was a big day for me. Today was the day I asked for help. I went to see my doctor about my case of the angries. All my life, I have been a fairly happy person. Bubbly even. After my first child was born, I had some blue days. Days when I felt sad for no reason, or just melancholy. But, I got out of the house, had a bath, or had some alone time. It got better. Now, baby number 2 is here. She's been here for 9 months. I'm faced again with the blues. But this time, it's not getting fixed. And, the blues have come with a partner. Anger. Rage at times. I didn't know I could feel this angry. This out of control. My voice gets raised too often. I yell too much. I swat. This breaks my heart. I want to be able to teach my children how to control their emotions. How can I do this if I can't control my own? Things like, "Failure" and "bad mommy" or "all my fault" float across my heart. My mind rejects them, but they persist. I am embarrassed. I have so many things to be happy about. To be thankful for. A wonderful, supportive partner. A loving family. A network of good friends to share with. My physical health. Then, why, WHY can't I do this? Why can't I stay calm and rational. Who is this monster that has come to possess me? After the rage comes shame. I feel terrible. Then the blues set in. I used to think it was just lack of sleep. I kept telling myself, "It'll get better when she gets older." "Once I get better sleep, I'll be happier." I didn't want to admit I needed help. I didn't want to admit how bad it was inside. And then, one night, I hit the wall in anger. There was so much energy in my body, that it left a hole in the wall where my hand connected. I was shocked. It was my sign to get help.
So, today I went. I asked for help. I told my doctor how I felt. And she listened. She was supportive. She thanked me for coming. And she started me on a plan. A plan to help me feel like myself again. I have action items. I have medication. I have books to read.
Help is on the way. If you are like me, if you have these feelings. Don't wait. Please, don't wait as long as I did to get help.
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5 months ago
5 comments:
HUGS!
I am so pleased at how well you pay attention to your feelings and how you seek help when everything you've tried is not working well enough.
I continue to learn from you! Love and blessings, Mom
Jill,
I am so proud of you! I know you are a great mama and you have proven it by asking for help.
HUGS!
Asking for help is so hard! You are a brave and wonderful mother for putting your children ahead of your pride. I hope you are well on the way to finding your bliss again!
It's really hard to learn to ask for help, I can't do that yet. I'm glad you have someone to help you and a plan!
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