Something's still missing.....

Darla turns 4 months old this Friday (in three days) and life with her is getting lots better. She is ADORABLE when she's happy. Big smiles and the beginnings of a laugh are our rewards. She's blowing raspberries and enjoys being on the floor now, too. She goes to bed around 10pm (well, she did until Daylight Savings ended!) and will sleep for about 7 to 10 hours. Which is really nice for me. I'm getting more sleep and that makes me a better mom. I still get cranky when Derick doesn't take a rest, but I'm noticing he's starting to transition out of them. Some days, he'll sleep. Others, he won't. Quiet time is in effect at our house, either way, cuz mommy needs the break. And most days, a break is all I need.

But, there's still something missing. I think it's my self confidence that seems to have taken the biggest hit lately. I'm not sure why, but I'm struggling with some old mental tapes that I thought I'd put away for good, years ago. I know part of it is my physical body. I'm not loosing the baby weight as fast this time. And I don't like the way I look in the mirror. It's definitely time to really focus on the calories I'm putting in. But it's more than that. It's this feeling of loneliness in the midst of having lots of friends. It's this scattered feeling in the midst of getting alot more done than I was two months ago. It's this annoying questioning voice, and when it comes around, I start doubting myself and my self worth. Grrrrr. I know things will continue to get better. I'm just really ready to be past all this and back to my happy self again. Maybe all I need is a few date nights with my man and to hit the streets with my walking shoes, again. Rain or shine. Wanna join me?

Here's some fun pics from the last few days. We started bringing out more of the baby gear that's been in the attic. It sure makes our tiny living room feel even smaller. But, Darla is digging the Jumperoo. Derick likes it too....he enjoys interacting with her while she's in it. They are sooo cute to watch. He's very loving with her, and she's all big eyes for him.

Seattle Children's Museum

Jeremy and I are trying to give Derick some more of the attention he seems to need right now. So, Last Tuesday, we took him (and Darla) to the Seattle Children's museum to see the Curious George exhibit. He LOVES Curious George and seemed to really enjoy the exhibit. He was running around from station to station; we could barely keep up! After the museum, we had lunch in the center house and then took a Monorail ride. It was a big highlight for Derick. He thinks trains are pretty cool. On our way back to the van, we stopped to visit the fountain for a little while. It was a fun family day!

Having fun on the slide!

Derick didn't want to pose with his buddy, Curious George.

Derick and Mommy on the Monorail.

Derick and Daddy watching the fountain.

All About Darla

Ok, I know I've been posting ALOT about Darla lately....but I have this new found obsession for her! She's just so dang cute!! I've been trying to capture her newest thing....and I finally got it. Please pardon the bad lighting and enjoy our little angel "talking."

And if you just haven't had enough....here's some more Darla! She was being so cute on the changing table!

LOVE

Valentine's day brings up so many feelings for different people. Some say it's a Hallmark Holiday, meaning that it's really all about retail. And, I can see how they might feel that way. People feel obligated to buy something for their loved ones. But, I like to look at Valentine's day as a gift itself. It's one day a year that we get to stop and say, "I love you!" In this busy world, isn't it nice to have a public reminder to take care of your heart and those that are closest too you? I know, I can hear my husband (and many others) saying, "I don't need anyone else to tell me when to be loving." Of course not. But, is there such a thing as TOO MUCH loving? Nah. Not in my world! And who says it has to be a partner you send your love out to??? Love your friends, Love your neighbors, Love yourself.

Speaking of love......I can say with confidence that life has shifted again for me, in a good way. Darla turned three months old on Friday, and I feel like we are finally getting along. I LOVE my daughter. I mean I like her, too. We are starting to have a relationship, with giving and receiving and it's tender, sweet, and full of love. I'm feeling better about myself, and being a mom of two. Now, if we could just get Derick's behavior to shift a little, I think we'd be pretty happy most of the time.

Jeremy and I had our first date night since Darla was born, on Friday. What a gift to be able to enjoy a dinner out with Josh and Nikanne AND a movie. And guess what it's theme was? That's right, LOVE! We saw "He's just not that into you." I really enjoyed the messages about love and choices. It was so nice to just be a couple for a few hours. I feel like our relationship is coming back on track. Jeremy isn't perfect, and neither am I. We've been in the trenches for a while now and it feels good to walk in a little sunshine for a while. So, Happy Valentine's Day. May you be blessed with many cups that runeth over and a heart full of Love.

A little bit of love

I'm typing one handed again, while Darla sleeps in my arms, so I'll be quick. I had to post a video, or two, of our cutie with her big smiles!

Happy Valentine's Day to all!

Mind Blogging

So to all you bloggers out there, do you ever do this? In weird random moments, I will start a blog in my head. It'll be this really witty, fun prose and I'll say to myself, "what a great idea, I'll have to remember that when I can sit down at the computer." And then, you all know what happens, right? I don't remember. Or I don't sit down at the computer. Or, I do sit down and start the blog, but it doesn't sound at all like what it did in my head. So, lately, I've been doing alot of MIND BLOGGING. There hasn't been alot to say, anyway. We've been sick. Again. Colds all the way around, which means less sleep for me, tough nursing moments, and lots of blowing noses. The sun did come out this week, which helped alot and we are finally on the mend.

I haven't been taking many pics lately, sometimes I go through "dry" periods with my camera. But here's a couple of fun ones.

What a Weekend!

It was a weekend full of interesting moments, some great, some not. On Friday, Darla had her 2 month check up with Dr. Klokied. She weighed in at 12 lbs, 11 oz and is 22 inches long. She's in the 90th % for weight and 25th % for height. So, even though we still struggle with her latch during breastfeeding, it's clear she's getting enough to eat. Dr Klokied pronounced her perfect and was more worried about me and my mental/emotional health. She encouraged me to start doing a better job of taking care of myself. To take real breaks from both kids. Go on a date with Jeremy. Get out of the house by myself. Yikes. I have been getting out, but I've been taking Darla with me. So, after an emotional evening and a good talk, Jeremy and I came up with a plan to get Darla to take a bottle. She's refused, up until today. It took me leaving the house, and her to get hungry enough, but she did take a bottle from Jeremy today. Progress. I know the fight is not over yet, but we are on the road to some independence for me. I am going to do some research on different nipples to see if there's one out there that she will prefer over the ones we have.

I got to play in my GARDEN this weekend. Ahhhh, beautiful sunshine, warmth on my shoulders, the smell of dirt. It was a treat to be outside and dry! Derick played along side me in the sand box, and Darla rested in the carrier while I cleaned up all the deadness in the yard. I was SO tired of looking at it out my windows! It's so much nicer now. And, I think most of my plants made it through the deep freeze of December. I'll know more in the months ahead. There's lots more pruning to do, but it was a nice start and a WONDERFUL reminder that SPRING is on it's way.

Our SLEEP pattern has shifted, again. Darla has been sleeping for 6 to 7 hours at night for the last week. What a blessing! It has given me a new lift in my step and some hope that things will continue to get better. The flip side to that is I got another breast infection! All those hours without emptying and the girls got backed up again. Friday, I went back on antibiotics, one more time. Sigh. It's a different drug this time, and I can take it with or without food, so it makes it much easier for me. No more waiting for meals or watching the family eat without me.

Sunday, I got a little pampering from our cousin Kellie. She brought over some spa products that she sells and spent a little time with me. We smoothed out my hands, did a facial, improved my soles, and did a relaxation visualization. Her daughter, Shelby, entertained Derick and Daddy took Darla. It was such a peaceful morning and a treat for me. Thanks Kellie!!! I can't wait to do that again.

Darla continues to get more and more interactive with us. Saturday, she smiled at Derick for the first time. It was such a sweet moment, I cried while the two of them exchanged smiles. Derick said, "Look mommy, she smiled at me!" I know he was just as touched as I was.

Derick has been doing pretty good, with only one really bad melt down over the weekend. His newest way to express loving feelings is to say, "Mommy, you are my BEST friend!" It's such a sweet thing for him to say and I love hearing it!

I know there is more work ahead of us, and just when we get used to something, it'll change. But for today, this moment, life feels pretty darn wonderful. My cup is full.

Just when I blog about it......

.....it changes!!! I am happy to report the tired feeling behind my eyes is gone, for the moment. Darla and I slept last night (well, really this morning) from 1:30am to 7:30am!!! Yippee!!! I am a new woman today. It's amazing what 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep will do for the body and soul. Thanks, my sweet little girl. It was just what I needed. :)

Tired Behind the Eyes

Derick is going through another phase...no naps! Yikes! Just when I was getting into a routine of at least napping while he did during the day, he goes and changes that on me. At the risk of sounding like a mope, I am SO bummed! That was my time to rest during the day! For the last few days, Derick hasn't been able to sleep during nap time. Saturday, he even said to me, "Mommy, I'm having trouble going to sleep." What a smart little boy. To save my sanity, I am enforcing the rule of taking a rest....he must stay in his bed with the lights off and be quiet for at least one hour. It does help. I hope he'll grow out of this and go back to taking naps. For all our sakes! So, without naps and Darla keeping me up until 12 or 1am, I am very tired, so much so, that I can feel it behind my eyes. You know that feeling....the ache when you close them, the dry eyelids, the feeling that if I sat still in a quiet room, I just might nod off for a bit....

I can see that my services are no longer needed here...

OK, I have let loose of the reigns to the jillandjeremy.net blog. Jill has full admin privileges. We shall see what happens. Good Luck...

It's nap time, and typing one handed sucks.......but I had to get on here really quickly and post a photo taken by my parents yesterday. Darla Smiles for the camera! Thanks for the photos, mom and dad!

Coerced into being a Night Owl?

So, things have been a roller coaster ride for me the last few weeks. Darla has settled into some sort of a routine, although, I wouldn't say I like it. She has decided that her time to be awake and alert is between 9pm and 1am. Yeah, I said 1am. And, of course, she's not cute and smiley the whole time, either. This is such a HARD time of the day for me. I am a sleeper. I LOVE to sleep. I always have....my mom said I would practically put myself to bed when I was a kid. I love my bed, and I love to be in it at night. So, sitting up with a fussy baby while the rest of the house is quiet and peaceful, is really hard for me. I try everything to get her to relax....bouncing, rocking, walking, singing (although I'm not sure she really likes this much-I'm not that good). I realized that all the fussing at night was keeping Derick up and his cranky-ness level was getting worse and worse. So, now Darla and I spend our nights in the basement. I would rather that, than have a sleep deprived child. There's only room for one sleep deprived person around here! I do my best to get a nap everyday, to help me get through this late night fuss fest. During the nights that I don't have that extra sleep, it's alot of tears and angry feelings from me and some from Darla too. I know I shouldn't feel resentment towards Darla, but it's hard not to in the dead of night. I know all this will change, as most everything does about newborns. I am trying to remain as positive as I can. It's tough though, way tougher than I thought it would be. And, when I'm having a tough day, the whole family feels it. I start resenting all my loved ones, and that doesn't feel so great. Depression is a strange beast (yup, I used the D word) and something I never thought I'd have to deal with. I have had lots of wonderful offers to help-I am so blessed with such wonderful friends and family. And, I'm going to do my best to ask. (I'm not so good at this, either). Sometimes, all I really need is someone to listen or someone to just sit with me. An extra set of hands to hold Darla. She still struggles with her acid reflux and doesn't like to be put down. This can be quite draining for me, esp when I can't interact with Derick when I need to. Ok, I just re-read this and it's quite whiny. Let me try to balance that out a bit.

Some positive things:

-I have figured out breastfeeding with Darla. She just doesn't empty me the way Derick did. So, I pump. If I don't, I'll get an infection. Simple as that. Her latch isn't nearly as good as Derick's either, and when she's not really hungry, it's terrible! She can go three to four hours without milk, no problem. I think she inherited my metabolism, poor thing, it's really SLOW.

-I can now wear my new Ergo baby carrier. I had to watch the instructional DVD again, but I got it figured out for hands free baby wearing. I am looking forward to the time when Darla is big enough to put her in it without the infant insert.

-I LOVE my new stroller and enjoy walks outside even in the cold. If anyone wants to come with me, please call me!

-I have bigger boobs!! I got fitted this weekend for some new nursing bras and my cup size has gone up! Yay for Jeremy. Now I just need to loose the baby belly and va, va, voom!

-Darla smiles! She is getting cuter and cuter now. And I finally feel like I am starting to bond with her. It's taken some time, but I know we will have some fun mommy and daughter moments to come.

-Since I'm downstairs in the middle of the night, I am excited about some new TV shows I'll be watching. Let me know your favorite, and I'll add it to my TIVO list.

Here's some recent pics of bath time with Derick and Darla together. It was a sweet moment and the first bath that Darla took without a lot of tears.

Happy New Year!!

More snow play

Enjoy more photos of us playing in the snow! Daddy came home from work for lunch and got in a little snowman making too!

I should be in bed right now, napping, since both my children are asleep. But, I have some things on my mind that I don't want to forget. Just a couple of days ago, Darla started to SMILE! We haven't got it on film, yet. But watch for a picture soon. I can't tell you how rewarding that moment is when a newborn baby looks into your tired, ragged, dark circled eyes and grins that toothless cheek-to-cheek smile. It makes all the hard work and sleepless hours melt away, for that moment. She's almost 6 weeks and her beautiful smile couldn't come at a better time for me. I'm still struggling to get healthy and kick this hacking cough. I think I'm going on 18 days now. It's getting better, slowly. (although if we talk in the morning, you wouldn't think so!) I came down with another breast infection and went back on antibiotics for another week. Darla has a cold, and so feedings get cut short when she can't breathe through her nose. Then I back up with milk, and so it goes. Poor girl, I think she's spent the first month of her life with a snotty nose. I have been calling her, affectionately, Snarfy. Hopefully, that nick name won't stick after her cold goes away.

Derick and I had a sweet moment the other day that lifted my spirits. Friday, we all napped in the afternoon. I had put Darla in the bouncy seat, right in the middle of my bed, and laid down beside her. When Derick got up, she was still asleep so I invited him to join me for a snuggle. He jumped at the chance and we cuddled up under the covers for a while. We talked about ATV's and he wove me a wonderful story about all the things he'd do with one. He told me he'd pick up Daddy from work and bring him home. And he told me how he'd get stuck in the snow, would get his monster truck to pull it out and how he'd fix it in his shop. And what really melted my heart was at every pause in the story, he would say, "Mommy, you are my best friend." Ah, music to this mommy's heart. I am doing my best to hold on to these thoughts in the not-so-nice moments.

I do love my children and my little family is getting along OK. As Darla continues to get older, life will settle into a routine. I'm plugging along, doing my best every day. If I don't get back here before the holiday arrives, I wish everyone a very wonderful holiday!

It's still Snowing......!

I have to say, I feel like a little kid today, watching the snow continue to fall here in Renton. I am amazed that it continues to pile up! After last nights' storm, I thought we were done. But, at about noon, it started again and hasn't really stopped since. What a beautiful sight! I can't remember the last time we have had this much snow. I know it's hard to drive in, and people get cabin fever. But really, how often does this happen around here? Hardly ever. So, I say sit back with your mug of hot cocoa and enjoy the moment.

We had a fun day today, playing in the snow. Jeremy got his three wheeler working and was like a little kid playing with his toys. He took Derick for a ride which was fun to watch. They rode down to the end of the street, did a slow doughnut or two and then came back up to the house. Derick did some sledding right here in our driveway. It's the perfect hill for him, not too fast but he can still get some speed up for some good fun. Jerry came by for a visit as did Josh and Nikanne. They watched the Seahawks win, even while playing in the snow! I took advantage of the extra hands around and napped while Derick did. Then, we had pizza and meatball subs and visited while watching the snow start piling up outside. As I sit here, it continues to dump. I like to watch if fall in the streetlamp light.

Darla turns one month and it SNOWS in Renton!

On December 13th, Darla turned one month old. I really can't believe how fast the time has flown. After a fun play at the bouncy place on Friday, we all stopped in at Valley Medical Center to have her weight checked. I was surprised to find out she's 10 lbs 10 oz! That's over two lbs growth in one month. We can say with confidence that she's eating well. She's also grown an inch and a half, measuring 19.5 inches. It's amazing how fast they change. We had a friend of a friend come over on Saturday to take some photos of Darla and so far, they are just beautiful. Thanks Jennifer!

Saturday night while Jeremy, Darla, and I were at a holiday party; It SNOWED!! Yeah! I love the snow. It's a dry snow this time, so not as fun to play in. But it sure is pretty to look at. Derick was hanging out at Nonna and Papa's house for the night. Here's some fun pics of the snow. We might go play in it a little tomorrow, as long as it's not toooooo cold. The forecasters are predicting the lows for tonight to be in the teens. That's pretty cold for the Pacific Northwest!

Friday, Jeremy took Josh and Derick to the motorcycle show to check out the newest man-toys on the market. Derick had a great time testing them all out.

Tomorrow, Jeremy heads back to work after spending the last four weeks with his new little girl and us. I think it'll be good for all of us to get back into our old routine, although, I'll miss the extra set of hands around during the day. Have a good day at work, Daddy. And we'll see you when you get home!

Deck the Halls

So, in amongst the sickness, we have been decorating and trying to get ready for the holiday season. We got our Christmas tree last week and just to help you understand the state of mind around here, we got home and completely forgot it was on the top of the van! Luckily, it slid right into the garage, just under the door. Jeremy was able to get it off with little damage to the tree or the van. Good man!

We have our house lights up, and Derick got to help Daddy this year which included a trip onto the roof. Lucky boy! Nervous Mommy.....But all went well and Derick was on top of the world.

The tree is decorated, the stockings are hung, and now all that's left is the shopping, wrapping, cooking......oh well. It's all part of the fun, right?

Struggling

So, I don't want to sound like a complainer. But I have to say, life right now is the hardest it's ever been for me. That sounds dramatic, it's not really that bad. I'm just really struggling right now. Thursday night, I came down with a temperature. I figured I was getting a cold or something else that seems to be going around. I took some Tylenol and kept on doing my thing. Friday, I felt kinda crappy, got the hacking cough that Derick had a few weeks ago. But, I pushed on, tried to get some sleep, but with a newborn and a toddler in the house, it's tough. They never are resting at the same time! Friday night, I woke up at 2am with a terrible fever (102.9) and the shakes. I fed Darla, woke Jeremy for some help, got some meds and climbed back into bed. I was lying there, trying not to freak out about some kind of infection from my C section. I did manage to get a couple of hours of sleep before calling my doctor's office in the morning. Luckily, I got to speak to my OB (he was on call) directly. The good news is, my C section is fine. The bad news is, I have Mastitis or a breast infection. Another new thing for me to learn about! The hardest part is the fever. I hate dealing with the heat and the drain that it takes on me. And I worry that my milk supply will drop too low. I'm pumping and feeding as much as I can. Add to that lack of sleep, heart burn from the antibiotics I'm taking, and continued healing from surgery and, well, I'm struggling! I don't really do sick well, and get pretty mopey when I am. I just feel overwhelmed already. Some good news, I slept better last night and took a good rest this afternoon. I'm hoping with added rest, my state of mind will improve. Here's to a new day tomorrow, and hopefully, a breaking fever.

Good Days

Ok, so after my last post, things have been a little better. We still have a defiant little boy on our hands, but I'm doing better at handling it. Not perfect, but better. And, today has been a good day. We had family photos taken at JCPennys and Derick was a DREAM child. Thank goodness. I think we got some really sweet shots, and can't wait to share them. We have a couple more photo shoots scheduled for this week and next with friends and friends of friends. I can't wait to have more pictures of my beautiful little family!

Derick continues to be the sweetest big bro....here's some fun pics and a video I got of him loving his sister.

Here are some photos of Derick on his birthday, and Darla on her birthday. We couldn't believe how much they looked alike! I can't wait to see how different they will be in the coming months/years!

Derick, minutes old April 14th, 2006

Darla, minutes old, November 13, 2008