Feeling a little bi-polar!

Ok, I know I'm pregnant and that's got to be part of it. But man, I feel like I'm trapped on this roller coaster. One minute, I'm happy, feeling good, loving life, loving my children. The next, I'm angry, spiteful, jealous, tired, and grumpy. Is this normal? I know I need to slow down a bit. Only two more months to go and peanut will be here. But, I don't WANT to slow down. Sounds silly, huh? Sounds a little selfish and kinda like my 2 year old's whiny voice. I like my life at a busy pace. My mind needs to be fulfilled with something. I go crazy when I'm home for too long. The chores scream at me and I hate chores. So, I invite people over, go crazy filling my time with play dates and events. And then I fall apart when my body can't keep up. It's not fair to peanut, I know. So, I agree, I should slow down a bit. But, my mind is resisting! I'm looking at my calendar for next week and I only have TWO mornings scheduled! Ack! What will I do??? Rest, Jill. Relax, Jill. Be with your son, Jill. Do it now, before you really don't have the time anymore, Jill. Ok, Ok, OK! I'll try........

So, I have to just put up a few photos from Labor Day weekend. I almost did last night but ended up blogging about a bunch of feelings, instead. Sheesh!

We visited Jeremy's step-dad, Lonnie, at his home in Glenoma, WA. It was a fun couple of days spent playing on all the toys. There was the new hot tub to check out, three ATV's to ride on, tractor rides, blackberries to pick, and fun grown-up instruments to play. It was so nice to spend some time with family, and Lonnie is a welcoming host.

You gotta love the face Jeremy has in this shot.....Derick was REALLY into making lots of noise with those drums. And Lonnie said, "Have at it, Kid! That's why I have them!" I don't think he'd be saying that if he lived with a 2 year old all the time, would he???

Rachel got brave and took out the big ATV. She did pretty good....and in this pic, you can see Jeremy and Derick following her on a smaller ATV. Everyone had a blast riding, except for me. I'll wait until I'm not pregers, thank you!

I still giggle every time I see this photo. Jeremy reminds me so much of the TV show "Chips" from the 80's. Gotta love the style, babe. I heart you!

Here's Jewel, Jordan, and Derick. Cute cousins, for sure!

Missing Daddy......

It's the middle of a week without Daddy. He's gone on a business trip and D-man and I are hanging out, waiting for him to return. It's funny how you get so comfortable in your family rhythms that when they change, it's kinda a shock. The week leading up to hubby's departure was crazy busy and super stressful. I went on a cleaning spree and spent alot of my time deep cleaning our home. So, of course, Derick went on a bad behaviour and no nap spree in defiance to the lack of attention. Do you know how it feels when you are trying to get your child to take you seriously and they just laugh in your face? I have never known that kind of rage, before now. It's so hard to stay calm and firm in the face of such defiance. And add a little extra hormones to that, and it wasn't pretty. But we made it through, if a little worn out after all that emotion. As I was driving away from the airport on Monday, I cried. It hit me then that I was going to be The Parent for the next five days. God help us. And, guess what? Spirit arrived, right on cue, in the form of my parents. Tuesday morning, after my monthly OB appointment for peanut, we headed north to spend the night at my parent's house. They watched D while I got a hair cut, cleaned up my toe nails, read my book and generally took it easy. And, they did it joyfully, happily, and willingly. We slept in late, went out to breakfast, and took a loooonng nap today. It was just the peace I needed to reset my heart after such a troubled last couple of weeks. On our way home tonight, we talked to Daddy. He was walking home from having drinks with some of his co-workers. He said some really loving things to me and touched my heart deeply. I guess distance does make the heart grow fonder. (that and a few beers!)

So, I sit here now, thinking about my little family and how lucky I am to have the kind of support that I do. Loyal and loving, my husband is true. Goofy and sweet, my little boy is an amazing being; brought into my life for some wonderful learning. Supportive and loving, my parents open their hearts and home to us.

I haven't mentioned it much in my blog, but I really should......so I will now. (since I feel like I have alot to say tonight) Derick is really rocking the potty training!!!! I was so reluctant to even start him so soon (he's 2 years and 4 months old) but Jeremy really wanted to see if we could get him out of daytime diapers before peanut arrives in November. So, I said, it can't hurt to try. And to my AMAZEMENT, Derick is responding well. He has been wearing big boy underpants consistently now for a couple of weeks, with very few accidents. Our biggest trouble is to get him to stop doing what he's doing and go to the bathroom. As soon as he is there, he does his thing well. I still try to encourage him to go about every two to three hours, but there have been several occasions when he will tell me he has to go, on his own. So, I know we are continuing to make progress. He comes up dry at nap time and in the morning so I got daring tonight and let him go to bed in underpants instead of a diaper. I am so proud of him and wish I could say it's all because of our fabulous parenting. But alas, it's really about Derick. He's such a big boy and growing up so fast. I am just here to guide him, encourage him, and teach him everything I know. I do my best to be loving, gentle, and set firm boundaries. Other than that, he's going to grow into his own self. It's that part of parenthood that I find fascinating and mesmerizing. Sometimes, I find myself just watching those deep blue eyes and wondering, "Who are you, child?" Did this little person really come from Jeremy and I? How amazing it is to create something and then let it grow into it's own.

We visited the beach again today. This time, with our mom's group friends. It was low tide at Saltwater State Park in Des Moines and a perfectly gray day to explore the tide pools. We saw little rock crabs, three or four starfish, and tons of big shells. Derick and I love to play on the beach. He got wet, of course! He is my son, after all. I always bring extra clothes with me, so I let him do what he wanted. Freedom is priceless, especially at his tender age of 2. He gets enough direction/correction at home; it's nice to be somewhere and just be able to let him roam. We combed the beach, threw rocks, picked up seaweed and checked out sea life. I always feel rejuvenated at the beach. After our emotional and exhausting day yesterday, a calm morning was just what we needed.







PS: the scratches on his face are from a fall he took yesterday on our neighbor's stairs. After missing his nap, Derick was a little wobbly and must have tripped on the way down. I didn't see him start the fall. By the time I turned around, all I saw was legs in the air! But, he'll be the first to tell you, he's ok now.

Our little peanut is getting bigger all the time. I think we just went through another big growth spurt this week. I have been SOOOOO tired and sore the last couple of days. It's funny how babies move inside you. It's one of my favorite things about being pregnant. Some days, they will move so gently; quietly almost. You have to stop and pay attention to feel them moving. Other days, like yesterday, it's like a little gymnist has been let loose in there! And she was going for the gold! For almost an hour last night, she was poking, turning, jackhammering, and doing god knows what in there!! Jeremy said it sounds like she has Daddy's restless leg syndrome. Maybe she tap danced in a former life. It's fun to feel those big movements, but I was a little shocked at times. It's like having a body part that you don't have any control over, moving around. Strange. Cool. Like nothing else I've ever experienced before. I can't wait to meet her and watch those movements going on in front of me!

As a two year old, Derick sure does like to help Mommy and Daddy. Most of the time, it's fine and we try really hard to get him involved. Moving laundry for me, or stirring dinner....I can usually find a way. So far, Jeremy's projects seem to be a bit tougher for Derick helping hands. But, not this weekend. Here's a cute video of my perfectionist husband, letting his two year old son paint the deck. It only lasted a few minutes, but what a sweet moment.

Here's a couple of pics of our little man getting into his job!

It's hot in Renton. Hotter than it's been in a while. And, this weekend was the worst of it. UGH! I hate that feeling of being sticky all the time. It's hard for me to even want to touch another human, let alone be crawled on by my two year old. And then, add the pregnancy, and I have turned into a whiny, grumpy, bitch! Poor Jeremy and Derick. I really have been a bear these last few days. I'm happy to say, as I sit here, I can feel cool evening air flowing in from outside. It's already almost 10 degrees cooler now than at 5pm tonight. Ahhhhh....a return to normal. I hope it stays.

Jeremy has been busy this weekend, staining our deck. It's a project that's been on his wish list for almost 2 years! Poor guy, last time he tried to stain it, it rained that night and ruined the freshly laid protectant/stain. With all this sunny weather we've been having, we thought this was the perfect time to get it done. So, Jeremy carefully prepped the wood, made sure it was dry, the screws were all tight and the worst of the bumps were fixed. Then, he took four hours and carefully rolled on the stain. He's such a perfectionist! After two coats, it looked beautiful!! Like a brand new deck. I was so happy that he'd finally gotten it done. We went to bed in the heat, it was after midnight. Around 4am, a nasty thunderstorm blasted down over our heads! It woke us both out of a dead sleep. As we watched the lightening and thunder I realized with dread that it was RAINING!!!!! How could this happen, AGAIN? I was so bummed out. After about an hour of tossing and turning, I finally got a little more rest. The next morning, we surveyed the damages. It didn't look great, but it was beading a little. So, after breakfast, Jeremy went out to the deck with his leaf blower. He carefully blew off the water. Out popped the sun, and low and behold, the water spots disappeared! Our deck is saved! I was so happy to see it restored to last nights beauty. And, all of Jeremy's work was not for nothing. Have I mentioned how wonderful my husband is? He works so hard to take care of us, the house, and his own interests. I am truly lucky and blessed to be living my life with such a talented, loving, independent, and genuine man.

The Ocean calls me:

Whenever I am having internal struggle or just plain high emotions....I feel like turning to the ocean. For some reason, it calls me. It soothes me. It hears my aches, pains, sadness, gladness and helps me wash them all away. Taking them from my body and returning all that energy to a place that can handle it. I love the ocean. Stormy: bring it on. I love to watch mother earth toss her power around with water. Sunny: warm my back; warm my heart and fill me with joy. Cloudy: a blank backdrop to all the colors that fill me up. Windy: brush by my cheek and whisper nothingness in my ear. Anytime, any weather, I LOVE the beach.

Today was the first day Derick was able to tell us he needed to go potty before (or almost) going in his underpants. We have started the potty training in earnest in hopes to be near fully trained before Peanut arrives. Jill and I were sharing with my family that we didn't think he was quite ready yet so we were basically quiting for now. My mom said, "Your giving up already?" So yesteday afternoon , we put him in underpants and he quickly proceeded to wet himself. He walked a little funny after that but was not particulary bothered by it. Then he was put in time out and did not like sitting in his wet short. He really wanted to go inside. Daddy's tough love may have made an impression. This morning, I put him in underpants again and at breakfast, he said, "I have to go poopy", which means #1 & #2. I figured he was bluffing, but when Jill reminded me that I have to honor his statement, I said, "let's go" but he did not want to go. I told him that he can come with me and go poddy or sit in his wet underpants if he wets them. He wanted Mommy to come, so we all went to the bathroom and he went on the toilet. He has been doing that for some time now, but always on Mommy and Daddy's orders. He was a tiny bit wet so I think he realized that he didn't want to be and was able to tell us. It didn't seem like that big of a deal at the time but hopefully it was the beginning of him really learning when he has to go.

My nephew, Cooper, is turning 1 in a couple of weeks and is really starting to walk well. I had to upload this video of him during a family night at my parent's house. We still meet every week for dinner. It's a wonderful time to catch up, or just hang out and be together. My Mom and Dad usually cook for us, but sometimes Jodi and will host. I am so very blessed to have such a wonderful family. They are so supportive, loving, and my safe place in the storms of life. My parents are my role models, and I strive to be as strong and loving with my children as they have been with me.

Here's more pics from that night........

Coops walking along with the push truck.

Cooper and his Daddy, Brian.

Papa trying to contain the D-Man!

Pain, Pain, go away!

I have experienced lots of different kinds of pain in my life. Heartache, body aches, back aches. Right now, I am experiencing a new pain.....it's a pinched nerve in my neck. I've probably had it before, but never with this much pain. It's bringing me to my knees today. In the past, when I have had pain, I would go get a massage or two and it would heal. But this time, it's more than just muscle aches or tightness. It's every time I move. It's there when I sleep. (or try to). It's there when I drive. It's there when I put my little boy to nap. It's affecting my mood, my parenting, my relationship with my husband and my friends. I'm already so very emotional, being pregnant. This is just adding a new layer. So, after a week of struggling, I decided to follow the advice of my husband and massage friend, and go see a Chiropractor. I have never seen one before. I am afraid of the cracking. The adjustments. The time commitment. The cost. I know lots of people that go. Lots of people are healed. So, I went, full of fear and my husbands, "I told you so and you should have done it a long time ago" voice in my head. It was just as I expected. The adjustments came quickly and they were loud and scary sounding. But I survived. I'm still sore, still in pain. Still releasing all this emotion. Lord, I must have been parking alot of S***t in my neck. But I know there's no quick fix. Healing is a time commitment. So, I'm going to keep going, pushing past my fear, to see if I can make this pain go away. Go away, Pain! Go away!

So, have you ever had one of those days when you feel out of control? Your emotions are riding that crazy roller coaster and you can't seem to make it stop?!? Yeah, well, that was me today. I was all over the map. And feeling so sensitive. I had some really touching moments as I was watching my son working to master the potty. We are starting to step things up a bit to try and get him closer to out of daytime diapers before November. He's so amazing, all that learning that happens so fast. He communicates so well sometimes, and then in the next moment he reverts back to caveman talk...or he starts making up his own little language. What a high! Then, only a few hours later, I was feeling so abandoned, like I was all alone in my world. I felt like saying, why am I bothering??? I have laughed deeply and cried sadly today.

I know it must be hormones. Our little lady continues to grow. I feel her moving alot now. It's the best part of pregnancy for me. Well, until the baby comes. I love to be caught in the middle of something and feel her bump up against me. I will try to sit still for a moment and think of her. Maybe even tell her how much I love to feel her move. Last night, Jeremy pulled out our wombsong and talked into the microphone to her. It was so sweet. And our little girl responded. She was kicking and rolling right under the speaker. It was the BEST. I am still wondering how all this will work, having two little ones. But, I already love her so much. And I can't wait to hold her in my arms. It will be a beautiful day to have a newborn again. With Derick, I wasn't so sure I loved the newborn stage. But now that he's a big boy, I find I kinda miss it. Holding other newborn babies, I am reminded of the special moments only a newborn can bring. So, I look forward with anticipation.

These kinds of days, these crazy days, will pass. Time marches on and one day soon, I'll be looking into the eyes of my daughter. Dreams really do come true.

I just had to share this image, since it keeps coming back to me since it happened. This week, I traveled with my mom and son to E. WA to visit family. We were sitting by the pool one afternoon, in the Spokane heat, and all of a sudden, a strong, warm pine smell floated by me. It was amazing. My aunt said it was the pine tree in her yard. Have you ever smelled hot pine trees? OMG, I could have sat there and smelled that smell forever. It was such a sweet, warm, fresh scent. If I could bottle it, I would. It made me feel so relaxed, so peaceful, so happy. Sitting in the sun, feeling the warm air move across my face, and smelling that sweet warm pine tree. That was relaxation.

So, I just have to share this moment......
Today was a beautiful day. It was warm, about 70, with a breeze and a few clouds in the sky. You just can't beat the NW on a sunny day. It's GORGEOUS! I'm feeling so good right now. I had some good friends over today, the kids played, we talked. It was so relaxing and refreshing. This evening, I got to go to water aerobics. It's a great way to end my evening....with some me time. Plus, I ALWAYS feel better after a workout. On my way home, the sun was shining in that late evening, slanted across the road way, the windows were down, and the radio was playing an old song, "Forever Young" that took me back. It was just one of those moments where your heart lifts a little bit more that before, and you think.....it's SO good to be alive!

Expecting.....

We made it! 12 weeks is here. Some times, I forget still. But, the doctor heard the heartbeat. It's real. A new little baby is on it's way. My own heart beats faster when I think about adding to our already crazy life. And then, the image of a newborn face, so fragile and sweet swims up in my mind and I am thrilled!! Beautiful baby, mama waits for you. I am waiting to feel you moving inside me, kicking and stretching with life. I am waiting to see your sweet face, hear your little cry, hold you in my arms and comfort you to sleep. Mama waits......it's a long journey to November.

Jeremy decided yesterday that Derick was ready for a big boy bed. YIKES! So, off came the crib railing, yesterday afternoon. Being the handy man that he is, Jeremy built a side rail that slides under the mattress to keep Derick from rolling out of bed. It works really well and Derick was SO excited!!! As soon as that crib wall was off, he was in and out of that bed. Get in, throw everything on the floor. Get out, put it all back into bed again. It was so cute to watch him get so excited about his big boy bed. I was a little nervous about how bedtime would go, but it all worked out really well. Derick was tired, and after stories, he laid down, listened to my songs, and went to sleep. Stayed there all night. Today, at nap, same story. I am SO proud of him. I guess the timing was right. I’m not sure it will stay this way, but I’m going to enjoy it for now.

Lessons Learned from an almost 2 yr old:
The new year is now into it's second month (well, almost) and I am working on loosing some weight and getting back into taking better care of myself. It's not a resolution, just some goals for myself. Over the holidays, I went through some tough, emotional times. And I really let go of my self care. Lately, I haven't been enjoying the view from the bathroom mirror. So at breakfast this morning, I was watching my son. I was thinking about his eating patterns. He only eats when he's hungry. When he does eat, it's just until he's full, and it usually takes twice as long as my husband and I. Hmmmmm. I decided today that I would try to follow his lead. Only eat when I'm hungry, SLOW down, and stop when I start to feel full. It's not as easy as it sounds, at least at first! It's so funny to me, how well I take care of his needs. We get out everyday to get exercise; I make sure he gets to run and explore new things as much as I can. Do I do that for me??? No. Why is this? I am just as important as he is. And the better I take care of myself, the better mommy I can be. I know all this already.....but putting it into practice is not that easy. Come on, Mamma! Let's begin the journey to becoming lighter and more in love with me!

Am I a lucky SOB or what. Hey what's this about HOT...what?

I saw the movie, "PS, I Love You" tonight with a good friend. I cried, laughed, and cried some more. It was such a good reminder to stay present in the moment. To love fully with all your heart. To cherish the now. I came home aching to just touch my husband. I wanted to tell him about all the love I have in my heart for him, and our son. I am so very thankful of the blessings in my life. It's so easy to take them for granted. Especially since I had left the house feeling like the work horse wife, "All I ever do is clean up after you guys!" It's good to take a break from your usual routine and remember why you started down this path. It's good to remember the past, how you feel in love, and why you chose the partner you chose. And it's good to remember to take care of yourself. So that you can continue to take care of those you love.
I would recommend this movie to anyone, esp the ladies. It will touch your heart. (Plus the actors in that movie are HOT!!!! I'm married, but not dead, people!)

This year, the holiday has been a mixed bag for me. For the last few days, I've been working hard to find my good spirit. I really do love this time of year, and the last few days leading up to Christmas are always full of family and friends; some of my favorite times. I admit, I haven't been the most fun to be around so far. But, today I had that moment I have been waiting for. Jeremy's family goes caroling every year on the 23rd. I just love this tradition and now some of my family and friends have gotten into it too! We borrow a truck and trailer, pile all the kids and adults willing to go in the back, and we head out to sing our hearts out. Then we come back to the house for hot cocoa, apple cider, and goodies. It had been raining for days.....and hard all day today. I was so bummed out and didn't feel like going. I almost told Jeremy we should just cancel it. Just as our family and friends were arriving, the rain stopped. We were able to go after all! And without all the rain gear and umbrellas! YAY! It always warms my heart to see people come to the door, surprised and shocked to hear us singing outside. One woman even brought out candy to share with us. I know we are a sight and everyone enjoys it, including me. Thank you, Spirit, for this gift of love tonight. I found my moment that will carry me through the rest of this holiday. May each of you find your moments too.
Blessings,
Jill