Things I am thankful for:

Holding hands with my love; bright blue, laughing eyes; the feeling of warm, worked muscles; sunshine; rain storms; changing seasons; kissing under the covers; clean sheets; warm coffee in the morning; Gerber daisies; warm chocolate chip cookies; the look in my father's eyes when I greet him; the sound of ocean waves; the sound of my son giggling; that feeling of being completely understood by another; friendships; yummy food; the opportunity to stay home from work and raise my child; photos of those people I love; camping trips; date nights; SEX, SEX, SEX! (and so much more)

Hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving!

I just have to brag a little bit! Ever since Derick's 18 month doc apt, I have been wondering how many words he really says. The doc asked, and we guessed....about 20 to 30 that he uses correctly. Maybe more infrequently. But, the number kept nagging me. So, this weekend, I sat down with a pen and paper and started to write them down. An hour later and 204 words written on the paper and I had to stop! I had run out of room on the page!!! I couldn't believe it. And, we kept thinking (and hearing from his own mouth) more and more. He's amazing, getting them so quickly now. I have to be very careful when I'm talking, even if he's not really in the conversation. Cuz, he's listening like a hawk. 200+ words, at 18/19 Months! I wonder where he got that gift of gab, Hmmmmmm?

Do you ever feel lonely, even though you have lots of good friends? Today, I just feel sad. I've been kinda ignoring it all day. I was thinking of old times.......when life was different. My best friend and I did everything together (well, almost). We were so close. Of course, things have changed. They always do. Marriage, kids, jobs. I have another best friend now, my sweetie. But, it's not the same. I have lots of new friends, good women who are doing alot of the same things I am doing. I value these new friendships very much. I know I should just reach out and call someone. I don't. Not sure why. Fear of rejection? Fear that they won't understand? Fear that they just don't like me? That's the old tapes in my head talking. Insecure Jill. I haven't seen her in a while. It must be this darkness. I am missing something today. Some deep knowing-ness that comes from years of friendship or a deeper connection. So, I called my dear old friend, and we chatted. Caught up a bit. But there's too much separate life there, or just not enough time spent together recently. It's so distant now. I am sure it's mostly my fault. I let her go a bit when I became a mom. I put so much of myself into my family, I don't have much left for friendships like I used to. Sounds so cold when put into words, but it's the truth. I miss my friend, she's just like that really comfortable pair of sweats that you keep in the bottom of your drawer and pull out when nothing else fits right.

As I sit here, the sun is peeking it's head up above the trees. So pretty....it's been a long time since I have been up before the sun. (Well, out of bed to enjoy it, anyway) I am taking a trip today, going away for the weekend.....without Derick and Jeremy. It's my first time since Derick was born. I'm excited and nervous. I couldn't sleep, so I just got up and got all the things I was laying there thinking about, done. Now, I wait for the boy to rise. And, I am reflecting on how nice my life is. How much I love my family. And, how much I am looking forward to a quiet, restful, weekend to myself. A women's retreat. In one of the most beautiful places in this state.

Jeremy will be great with Derick. They get along so well already......and yet, there's a tug of worry I can't ignore. I'm so used to taking care of others, it feels strange to be leaving that duty for a couple of days. I also know that Jeremy is looking forward to being THE parent. He'll get to do it his way, without me looking over his shoulder. I'm sure it'll be fun for him. And challenging.....Derick is not easy right now. The tantrums have begun. He's so busy exploring a new world he's discovered: the table (and anything at that height). But, Jeremy will handle it fine. That's one of the reasons I married him. Very capable of rising to a challenge.

The sky is lighter now, pink and rose have given way to the light blue and white stripes of light clouds. I hear Derick stirring. Time to go put on some coffee and enjoy this morning time before I go. Blessed Be.

This week has been one of the most challenging weeks in my short life as a parent. I know it's just the beginning of Derick's need to stretch out and find his boundaries, thank goodness we don't go from infant to adolescence in a year. Baby steps, please.

After many weeks of great bedtimes; Daddy stepping in more often, Derick going to sleep on his own, no nursing; we are taking a few steps backwards. All of a sudden, he won't go to bed. Just doesn't want to. Screams for us, wants milk, wants water, claims he's poopy, wants a bite......anything to get our attention. It's maddening! What happened to my little boy? All at once, 8pm hits and it's now the raging lunatic!?! That kind of crying is not fair for mommies.....did you know it tears our hearts every time we hear it? Nothing I can do to change that, no matter what. There is no rational reasoning to fix that little bit of my heart that tears when I hear him cry this way. I tried every other way I know to get him down...won't work, short of me sleeping with him in the chair. I love my son, but I am not willing to sleep in a chair every night with him!

So, the battle of the wills has begun. Round one was last night......The score: Mommy 1, Derick 1. I let him cry it out for 45 mins last night....didn't go in. Mommy wins. But this morning, he woke at 4:45am. I went in. Couldn't get him back to bed....he cried for an hour. I finally gave up and we stayed up for the day. Derick wins. Tonight, I will be stronger. I will prevail. I have to. But that doesn't mean it'll be tear free for either of us.

My sweetie and I celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary this week. We took D Man to the Zoo on Thursday, for some family time. The Point Defiance Zoo is soooooo great for kids! It's much smaller (less trekking around), and the animals are close up and easier to see. I could have stayed all day in the Beluga Whale viewing area. And, it was a weekday-and after school has started-we had the place to ourselves!
Today, Jeremy and I had some one-on-one time. We went to see the movie Good Luck, Chuck. It was cute, better than the preview made it seem. Then, we had dinner and drinks at Canyon's with a little beach walk and ice cream to top the evening off. It was SO nice to spend some romantic time with my love. My tanks have been running on fumes lately.....it's amazing what one afternoon of "us time" can do for the marriage. We need to do this more often. I am one lucky lady to be loved so well. I have an amazing partner to share this lifetime with.

Another big milestone has come......for the last two nights, I have put Derick to bed without nursing. Sigh. It's a bittersweet ending for me. I was so glad we nursed as long as we did, and I was ready to let go and be done. We've been slowly eliminating a feeding until it was down to the one before bed. Tonight, I just held him, rocked a bit, and sang some songs. Every time I stopped singing, he would pop his head up and say "more?" in that sweet baby voice. My heart melted. He's not a little baby anymore. He's becoming a little boy. For the last week or so, I have been able to lay him down in his crib semi awake and he has been falling asleep on his own. This was my sign that it was time to end the breastfeeding. And so it goes.......we move forward to the next stage. I am proud of him, sad for the loss of that dependant little being, and excited for the emerging independent child. The words are coming so fast now, he mimics us constantly. He's even picking up more signs too. There is so much to look forward to. Dry your eyes, mommy, and turn your face towards another new day.

The most wonderful thing happened today! Well, it may not seem wonderful to everyone, but it was wonderful to me!!! Derick and I came home from a birthday party today and he was WOUND up! I was not looking forward to putting him down for his nap like that.....but it was past time. So, I held him, rocked him, sung to him as usual (we have begun the weaning process and are now down to just one nursing-at bedtime). He wiggled, and giggled, and looked up at me with a smile. I finally said, "Derick, you have two choices: either you settle down with me or I'm going to put you in the crib and you can settle down on your own." He kept wiggling, so I did just that. Put him down, covered him with his blanket and told him good night. Now, in the past, he'd be crying for me before I could get to the door. But today, he just looked at me with a somewhat surprised face as I left. No peep, no tears, no fight. Just quiet. AMAZING!!! I realize this may not happen again for a while, but I think it's the first sign that we are getting closer to being able to put him to bed without alot of aids. Ahhhh, Yay for progress!

I am so happy to announce that my sister had her baby boy on Sunday! His name is Cooper Drew Kunz. Born Sunday August 12th, at about 6pm. He weighed in at 8lbs, 10oz and is 21 inches long. My sister labored over 27 hours for Cooper.....way to go, Girl! She was pretty tired that night. I raced home from a camping trip in time to be there for his birth. I feel so lucky to be sharing this crazy thing called parenthood with my sister. I hope it will help us continue to grow closer as adults. I love her so much!

ahhhh..........the rains have come back! God, how I love a good rain. The air is so fresh; the cool breeze coming in my window carries the smell of grass and damp cement, and the sound of patter, patter-tiny water drops hitting leaves. I am a true Northwest girl. Don't get me wrong, I love the sun. It's bright light helps me get through the days. But every once in a while, a summer rain is just what my soul (and the earth) needs! I was supposed to go camping today....but we postponed it. It'll be more fun in dry weather. Plus, this gives me a couple of days that are unplanned. A luxury this time of year. So, I sit here smelling the fresh air and giving thanks for it's simple pleasure. Water: a life giving entity. Brings me a new perspective and peace.

Every time I try to change our night time routine.....it goes badly. Tonight, I knew he was tired. We nursed as usual. We rocked more than usual. He's been hard to put down since our camping trip. I was hot, tired, and ready for some of my own time. So, just as his lids drifted down, I decided to put him in the crib. (I usually wait until he's almost asleep) As soon as I did, he was awake and crying for me. Screaming, really. I tried to do that thing they tell you to.....Say good night, leave, come back and reassure him (but don't pick him up!), and leave again. More screaming, stomping feet, lots of tears......breaking my heart. 45 mins later and I give in. I just know all he wants is some love....rocking, back rubs, and a gentle voice.....he's asleep in 5 mins. And, I failed again. Every time I try to do what the books tell you.....put them down before they are asleep......this is the story. He screams, I break. Makes me feel like a crappy mommy. But, I feel worse listening to my child scream for me. I know he won't be 40 and needing to be rocked to sleep.....right? After he's calm, I watch him rest in my arms. So beautiful, that face. He's a dream come true for me. And I feel the weight of responsibility in that moment. To raise him right. To do what's right. And I'm scared. Cuz I can't even get him to bed they way they say is right. I can feel the disapproval from dh. I know he wants me to be stronger. I tried, really I did. But mommy has a weakness. Her baby's tears.

So, how crazy am I??? We went camping this week, with a one year old! OMG....that was a working vacation like no other. Camping with a kid was so much easier when Derick wasn't walking. I didn't think about the road through the park: not to mention cars going by....but kids on bikes/scooters/walking dogs....YIKES! And if you know my sweet little boy, you know he was in the road every chance he got! We used the back pack alot for meal time, which worked fine but he's not light, people! Add to that some stress.....the camper wouldn't raise (we found out later that the bike rack that Jeremy put on, messed up the lifting mechanism), throw in some Eastern Washington HEAT, and NASTY, vicious mosquitoes.....all that equated to an early departure for home. We did have some fun moments....we were joined by my parents for a couple of days and all of us went to see a demolition derby with fireworks in the small town of Waterville, WA. That was some FUN people watching.....I haven't seen that many bubbas in one place in a long time. We dipped in Lake Wenatchee-that is a COLD lake....but so pretty. And we had some great meals-Jeremy and I love to cook outdoors. It just always tastes soooo good. All in all, it was a learning experience. I think I'll stick to less-buggy places until bub is older and maybe make sure there's lots of helping hands along to watch out for our little explorer.
I hope everyone had a safe and happy 4th of July.

I'm turning 34 today. Amazing. That number sounds so mature to me. So middle age. So different than I feel. Isn't that funny? I don't really feel middle aged. Except when I've been playing on the floor for a couple of hours with Derick.....then, my knees will tell me my age. I always dreamed about being a mother when I was a young girl. Wondered how it would feel, what I would do, who I would be a parent with. Being here is way different than I imagined.....better in many ways, harder than I dreamed. I try to remember what it felt like to be a child......when all I thought about was my friends, playing with my sister, camping trips with my parents, which boy was cuter and would he notice me......the carefree times that seem so simple now.
Now, I have a son of my own. My thoughts are more about how to raise him to be a good person, help him manage his emotions, help him learn to share with others, help him learn to respect others and mother earth, and sometimes, just how to get through the day without a meltdown from either of us! I think about how to keep the connection alive with my lover, how to support him and his dreams, and how to be a good wife. I think about how to keep our cash flow in the black, and how to keep our dinners interesting, and how to get the laundry done with a 1 year old running around. I think about how to keep myself grounded, real, and in some sort of good shape. I think about my friends, old and new and how to find time for myself when it seems there isn't any.
It's a full plate and sometimes, it feels like too much!! But, when I stop and do all this thinking, I realize this is exactly how I want it. My life is busy, full of good people, brimming with love, and moving at a lively pace. Perfect for a 34 year old woman!

Mother's day was quite and event for me this year! It had a little of everything....tears of joy....tears of frustration....flowers....family....love....good food.....beautiful birds in my back yard......throw up.....a clogged toilet.....and a sleepless night. Whew! The good news is, life is never dull at my house. I wish all those mommas out there love, happiness, and a big hug. You do great work!

My cup runneth over!! What a wonderful weekend I had. I got to spend time in my yard, planting beautiful flowers that bring me such joy when I look out the window or hang out on the deck. I got to spend some quality time with my husband, learning a little more about his obsession with investing. I got to spend some time with a treasured friend getting some exercise and just being moms with kids. The sun was out both days, lifting my spirit.....spring is so refreshing after a long, dark winter! Life is so good!

God....today was BEAUTIFUL!!! What a wonderful day to be outdoors. I was so happy to have that chance. My good friend and I spent the afternoon with the kids in the grass. They are both "waddlers" and were tipping around the yard picking up rocks, sticks, and dirt. It was so nice to listen to the birds chirping, and the bees buzzing. The warm sun was caressing my back as I watched my son and his friend move about. The flowers are blooming in the yard. They bring me such joy. Ahhhhhh. It was so peaceful. I needed the peace. My mind and soul have been restless these last few days. So many things coming up in the next few weeks....family gatherings, Derick's 1st birthday party, Easter.....it's going to be a busy month. I have to say, I'm a bit anxious about it all. But, just identifying those feelings helps. I told hubby about it too....just in case I pop off or get a little weird on him. I just have to remember that moment of peace, quiet serenity among the flowers, sunshine, and my boy's bright smile.

Snail Trails & Sleep deprivation:
If you ever have worn a black shirt and had a sick kid, then you know about snail trails and lack of sleep! What was I thinking today??? Poor little D is sick, AGAIN! I swear, I have never seen so many colds in one season in this house before! I try so hard to wash hands and keep the house clean. But, we can't live in a damn bubble. So, poor baby woke up Monday night three times, crying and sounding horse. It was such a eerie sound that it kept Jeremy and I up with the worries. But as soon as I would go in and calm him, he was very normal. Took him to the doc Tuesday, all is well....no fluid in the lungs (one of our 3am panics) just a upper respiratory thing. But, man, it's a juicy one! Even with meds, he's snotty all the time. I don't mean to complain, he's the one with the cold. But it's a long day for mommy with a whiny, clingy, sick boy. He did nap, but only if I was holding him. So, I had plenty of time to think.....
Do you ever feel lonely, even when you know you have friends a phone call away? I just couldn't shake this lonely, sad cloud that followed me today. I just felt very isolated....alone. Even though I wasn't....I talked to hubby, my parents, and a good friend. It helped each time, for a little while. But then the feeling of being disconnected returned. I just felt like I was out of place somehow. It was strange.

I have SO much to be grateful for! I have a loving husband who is loyal and true. His clear blue eyes still sparkle and shine in mischief and in love when he looks my way. We continue to get better at being life partners and parents. I am blessed with a beautiful little boy, who's natural curiosity and energy keep me seeing the world new again. I am surrounded by loving, caring friends and family. I enjoy our home and yard and am looking forward to spring....when the earth re-news itself. I think there is magic in those tender leaves pushing through the dark earth...looking for light and air to unfold into. It reminds me that I can be fresh and new too.

Derick took his first few steps today!!!! Hurray for big moments! I can't believe how fast he's growing. Seems like something is new almost every day. Today, he took a couple of steps from me to daddy. It was sweet. And, he's been standing by himself, ALOT. In the tub (scary), at the coffee table, in the kitchen....all over the place. He's so independent already...shooing my hands away when I try to help him with stuff. Our little bub is turning into a little boy before our eyes. Sniff, sniff. And, he's becoming so much fun. I am still waiting for that first real sign.....he's clearly understanding ours...but hasn't returned them just yet. Somehow, he manages to get his point across, though. It's not hard to read his little face. My dreams will be filled with those bright blue eyes tonight.

My Neighbors must think I'm crazy......but the last couple of days, I have been blow drying my hair-outside. I know...silly, but I have been doing it to keep it quiet in the house while Derick sleeps. Sometimes, he's such a light sleeper.... all I do is walk by his door and he wakes up. I miss having beautiful hair! I used to fix it every day. Blow dry it, curl it....and it looks so nice when I do. I know Jeremy likes it...he made a comment the other day about seeing some of the woman he fell in love with again! It made me realize how lazy I have been in the "taking care of Mommy" arena. So, I am trying to step it up and put some effort into my looks on days when I know I'll be out of the house. It makes me feel good about myself, and that in turn helps my inner beauty shine through. Look out world, there's a beautiful mama on the loose!