Random thoughts from an expecting mother's heart

Have you ever carried a child inside your womb? It's an experience like no other I have ever known. Mostly positive. But as we approach the end of this part of our journey together, I am starting to struggle. Peanut is 34 weeks now, and putting on the weight that will help her survive on the outside. (And I am putting on weight too!!) I am so much more tired now. Sleep is elusive; I toss and turn much of the night either trying to get comfortable or trying to revive a leg or arm that has fallen asleep. And if I have to get up to use the bathroom, my mind wakes enough to keep me up, solving all the problems of the world (ok, well my world anyway). Derick and I are clashing now, more than we ever have before. I think it's mostly me.....I take all his negative behaviour very personally. It's not like he means to hurt me, he's just two and a half. I just take it that way. I'm trying my best to get us out of the house and enjoy this fall weather. It's one of my favorite times of the year. But each outing wears me out so quickly now. Many times a day, I feel the tears well up in my eyes, for no real reason.......just because. Darn those hormones! It's kinda embarrassing, even for me!

Recently, I was trying to explain to Jeremy the kind of connection that mothers have to their unborn children. It was a day that the baby just wasn't moving so much and I was worried. So, I was checking in with her. I do that several times a day. I'll stop what I'm doing or take a moment to sit down and mentally go inside. I'll wait, still and quiet. Sometimes, several minutes go by. It's like I'm blind and deaf, and the only sense I have of my child is the sense of touch. It's amazing how we rely so much on all of our senses to care for our young ones. But with a unborn child, there is only one way to check on them. (without medical assistance) Those fetal movements are the line of communication between us. And as soon as I get a twitch, roll, or kick, I breathe again. My baby lives.

Here's some recent photos of this pretty October.

Derick at the pumpkin patch

Mums in my yard

Derick and I on a tractor ride

Being Outside

There's a special kind of magic for Derick and I when we spend some time outside. Today was that kind of day. The morning had been bumpy; 3 time outs before 9:30am! But, once we were outside, everything was fine. We met some friends at a local park and walked the trail, picking up leaves. The sunshine was coming through the trees and the mommy's laughter and chatting filled the space with fun and light.

After our walk, we pulled out the craft supplies and made art with our nature finds. It felt so nice to have conversations with friends in the fresh air. We watched the kids play, and enjoyed the warm fall sunshine.

Just as a cloud was coming along we all headed home for lunchtime and naps. It seemed the magic followed Derick and I home! He ate his lunch peacefully and told me he had to go poopy before any accidents happened!!! We took care of the potty needs and then curled up together to read some stories before nap. I really don't know what it is about the air outside, but I will savor these moments when they come!

Imagination and Creativity Rule in our house

Well, most of the time these days. Over the last month or so, Derick's imagination and story telling has really developed. He just LOVES to tell you a story. And his favorite topic? You guessed it: Trucks! If he's in the mood, and you sit down next to him, he'll tell you how he, "just got my truck back from the shop. And they fixed it. But it was broke. But the front tires are working. The back tires are not working. I gotta take it to the shop to fix it. It got stuck in the mud. I just picked it up......" It really could go on and on. And he loves to talk to anyone on the phone. That's when the stories get really long and repetitive. He just doesn't want to give up the phone! I love to listen to his mind and how it works. Jumping from one idea to the next without alot of filler yet. It's very sweet. And he'll repeat stories that he's overheard too, so we really have to remember he's always listening, even if you think he's not. At the dinner table, he likes to ask Daddy how his day was. "How was your Day, Daddy?" Then, he'll ask, "How was my day?" Prompting us to make sure he's included in the asking. And, he'll usually answer with a, "Well, my day's pretty good." Such a sweet boy!

Recently, we took a trip to the dollar store to pick up some craft supplies. He was being good, so I let him pick out a couple of monster trucks to take home with us. The next day, after his 30 mins of morning TV, we were hanging out in the living room. He brought the trucks up to me, held the purple one in front of my face (quite close, actually I was a little worried for my eyes) and said, "Say hello to Valerie!" So, I did. Then, he held up the yellow monster truck and said, "Say hello to Valerie's Dad!" I couldn't keep a straight face! And, to this day, if you ask him their names, they remain Valerie and Valerie's Dad. I'm not sure where he got the idea for these names, but it makes me smile every time I think of it.

Happy Birthday, My Love

Yesterday was Jeremy's 36th birthday and we had a low key, family kind of day. I thought it was a perfect way to celebrate Daddy. We started the day with an OB apt for Peanut, and all of us went. It's been a while since Jeremy had heard her heartbeat, and the Doc let Derick hold the instrument which he enjoyed. All is well in there, and we left with alot more thinking to do about whether to have a C section or try for a VBAC (Vaginal Birth after C Section).

On our way home, we stopped at the new fast food joint in the Highlands, Carl's Jr. OMG! The burgers were HUGE and really yummy!!! I thought it was like getting Red Robin burgers, to go. We are SO in trouble knowing it's there.

After nap time, Jeremy and Derick played games on the computer. It's Derick's newest obsession. I have never seen him sit so still for so long!!!

Jeremy chose Azteca for his birthday dinner out, and we had a yummy meal there together. I know alot of you know how meals go with toddlers, but I have some pictures to prove what a un-relaxing time it can be.

Just getting settled in the booth; I had to work with the waitress to even get one, she wanted to put us along a wall with open access on either side of the table. She obviously doesn't have small children.

Derick has already tried to climb over the wall to see the people in the next booth and sat in the window sill, while banging on the glass with his crayon. We still don't have coats off!!

Derick climbing on the table, and reaching for anything that he *might* want to play with!

Finally, some smiles!

After dinner, we stopped in for ice cream at cold stone. YUMMY!

Happy Birthday, Jeremy. You are such a fabulous father and loving husband. We are so lucky to have such a special, regular kind of guy in our lives!

A morning for the Birds

Derick slept in a bit this morning, so I crawled out of bed and snuck downstairs to enjoy a few moments to myself. The morning was foggy and cool. It felt like fall and I loved it! After getting some coffee going, I stood watching out the window, into the back yard. To my delight, there were a lot of birds in the yard. I got to see a rare sight at my feeder......a Red Winged Black Bird and his mate were enjoying some bird seed! Of course, as soon as I grabbed my camera, they flew off! But it was a special moment. I did get a couple of pics of a male Purple Finch feeding and I enjoyed watched the juncos and house wrens flit around the yard. It was a very peaceful way to start my day.

Procrastination Station

I think I'm one of the best procrastinators out there; just ask my parents about a little homework project called, "Nicaragua." They'll smile and chuckle, now. But it was a major oops, back in my school days. I'll never live it down! You'd think that with time, we as adults, would learn to recognize these things about ourselves and work to fix them. Not so much in this corner. However, as my belly becomes bigger, I am fast realizing that there are some things I REALLY want to do before our second child arrives. So, I made a list, got really stressed out about it (poor Jeremy gets to hear the brunt of that), and then started digging into it. With my dear husband's help, and the help of some wonderful friends, I'm starting to cross things off! Yay!!!! There's still more to do, but progress begets progress, right? Once I get started on things, it's much easier to keep going.

This weekend was all about the yard and exterior house. I've been saying how much I want to replace some plants for over a year now. So, hubby and I dug up three old and tired climbing roses. We moved a trellis: cleaned it, painted it, and re-installed it. Now it's ready for some new plants; Clematis. I can't wait to continue to make my back yard the lush and green space I have always wanted it to be. It's been 5 years (or more) since my Iris has been thinned out and cleaned up. What a JOB that was. I swear in some spots, the rhizomes were two to three inches deep. Then, the roots started!!! Oh that corner looks SO MUCH BETTER now. It's clean, and fresh and I know the plants will be much happier. And I should get a ton more flowers in the next two seasons. Since I *had* to head to Carpineto Brothers for some mulch, I just *had* to browse their bulb section. Low and behold (faining surprise, here) they had a wonderful selection and I came home with more bulbs to plant! I just love tulips, they make the sometimes grey spring so pretty. So, I added another project to my weekend list. But they are in, and I can't wait to see those pretty blooms in the spring. Jeremy was my hero this weekend. He put his painting projects on hold whenever I needed help digging or lifting. It was just like old days, when we would spend the whole weekend in the yard, together. We'd come together to help each other and then go off to work alone for a while. The only big difference was this time we both had an eye out for Derick getting into trouble! He was a trooper most of the time, enjoying the rhythm of work in the yard and being outside. After a weekend of begging Daddy to let him paint the house, Jeremy set him up on the side of the shed. Eventually, we'll be painting it to match the house. But, Sunday, it was all for Derick's pure enjoyment. I look forward to the days when he can really help us! I hope he'll want to!

Today, my dear friends came over and we weeded and mulched the front yard. It looks so much better. I didn't realize how much fun weeding could be! But it is when you have such good people to visit with. Tomorrow, we'll work on the back yard and that project will get crossed off my list too. I am so very thankful and blessed. Thanks girls, for helping me get that done.

So, now I am at rest, feeling really peaceful about my list and my life. I love my yard and it's getting a face lift, which makes me enjoy it even more. I feel connected with my friends and can't wait to continue to deepen my relationships. The sun is shining and I feel it's warmth on my shoulders, still. It's a good day.

5 years ago, today, I was strolling through Oahu's Polynesian Cultural Center with my new husband. It was our honeymoon in Hawaii. We were spending time together, on the beautiful island. It was a gray, rainy day, but warm and our hearts were light and full. I remember holding hands with him, talking with him, sharing the sights and sounds with him. Stealing kisses in quiet corners. Having that little smile plastered to my face all day long, a smile telling of all the little secrets I knew about him. All the loving touches we shared, the time we had to just focus on each other. I remember the love that flowed through us, as breath does, from me into him.....from him into me.

This weekend, Jeremy and I celebrated 5 years of marriage and commitment to each other by escaping away again......this time, to Victoria, Canada. We dropped Derick off with my parents (God Bless them!), and took the clipper out of the country. We were warned, it would be crowded. It would be lots of waiting through customs. It might be better to just drive. But, you know, none of that really mattered to me. I was alone, with my lover. I could stand in line behind the impatient guy who couldn't stop making phone calls and not be bothered. I could watch with peace as the elderly woman was escorted onboard before us. I could just walk orderly and hold hands with my sweetie while others rushed past us to get the best seats. Once on board, we sat quietly, and cuddled. We talked. We snacked. We read. We just watched.

Once in Victoria, we checked into our hotel and then went in search of dinner. We found a Spaghetti factory just down the street and headed in. The wait was long so we decided to eat outside. It was warm enough with the heaters above us. We watched the cars go by, ate wonderful comfort food, and listened to the crosswalk beep 100 or more times. But, it didn't matter: no one was crying, no one was chasing little feet, no one's meal got cold while attending to another's. Back to the hotel to put up our feet and veg out in front of the TV. Soft sheets, soft robes, soft dreams.......

Saturday we slept in. Ahhhhhhhh. Up and dressed by 10:30, we went in search of a little food before seeing the sights. We found a coffee shop and stopped for a quick bite. Then, we spent three hours exploring the Victoria BC Museum. The exhibits were wonderful, so very interesting! We watched an Imax film about Dinosaurs and walked through the Old Town-1920's, hand in hand. Then, we visited the inner harbor marina, Parliament buildings, and the Empress Hotel. At $50 a person for tea, we decided to just visit the outside this time around. After enjoying a hot dog and a rest (and some great people watching, too) we heading uptown into the shopping district. Lots of fun shops and pubs lined the streets. Both Jeremy and I found that it felt more like Vancouver than Victoria here. All walks of human life were there, the bums asking for change, the high fashion men and women with bags in hand, the teenagers with braces and giggling faces. We stopped to rest our feet again (well, really mine) and watched a seaplane land in the harbor. We talked about friends, family, the little life stirring inside me, and our little man back at home. We re-connected quickly. It's amazing how that happens with little or no distractions!

We headed back to the hotel for an afternoon rest before our Seafood Dinner Feast. After a check in with home, we were sad to learn that Derick was having a hard time. We think he was mommy sick, mostly. It was hard to hear him crying for us, but I knew he was in good hands. I learned that he was quickly distracted after the phone call and all was better again. So, we headed out to a seafood restaurant called Pescatore's. Jeremy had salmon with a mango salsa and I had salmon wellington. YUM! After dinner we walked the marina, took pictures of the buildings all lit up, and watched a street performer. Then we headed back to the hotel for more Jeremy and Jill time. It was a beautiful day!

I highly recommend all couples allow themselves some couple time. Esp those with kids. I love my family, and I wouldn't change it for the world. But this weekend was a huge reminder to me that my marriage suffers when it's not nurtured, just like the kids. We won't be able to take weekends away like this one all the time, but date nights are a must! Having time to focus on just each other without the house, kid, or work getting in the way was so healing. I am so very happy to be so in love with my partner. I feel lifted up, supported by his love, his touch, his thoughts. While we did exchange gifts (wooden items,for those who are wondering), the biggest gift I received this weekend was him. Thank you, babe, for the wonderful weekend together; I love you!

All my heart, wifey.

30 Weeks, and counting

I can't believe it, but Peanut is now 30 weeks old. Which means we have about two more months to go. It's coming so fast now, and we are so not ready. Jeremy and I can't decide how to set things up for her (and me). We'll need a changing station and nursing chair somewhere outside Derick's room, at least for a while. The idea is to have them share a room once peanut is on a regular sleeping schedule. We keep tossing around ideas on what to do, but nothing has happened yet. I think we both are procrastinating a bit because it will require quite a bit of cleaning up and moving stuff around!

Wednesday, we went for our 3D/4D ultrasound. We did this with Derick too, but this time, we went to a different place and the photos turned out SO MUCH BETTER!! What an amazing thing to be able to see your child while they still are in the uterus. The 3D technology allows you to see an image of her face, skin instead of bones. Our little girl sure looks like her Daddy!!! She has his forehead and full lips. And Attitude!!! When we first started the session, she had a foot up in her face. That quickly moved, but she was reluctant to show her full face, just like her brother!!! She kept bringing her arms up and covering her face. With a little jiggling from me and the skill of our technician, we did get a few good pics. It was so nice to spend a little time on her, watching her move around and feeling it at the same time. Now I know what some of those pokes and bumps are! Now I am feeling even more impatient for November to get here!

Bird Nerd Alert

So, a very good friend of mine recently reminded me that my life is not always ALL about my kids. Sometimes, she wants to hear about me. It took me a while to think of something that's really just about me. Sad, huh? But, I do put so very much of me into my son and soon-to-be daughter. I think that's pretty common with stay-at-home moms. Healthy, maybe not so much. But common.

Anna's male hummer, in our Cherry tree

Something that I am into right now: Birds! How I love my feathered friends. And humming birds are really my favorite. There's just something magical about those little flying jewels. I love to watch them zip in and out of my yard, stopping for just seconds to feed at the feeders or staying minutes to rest in the branches of the trees. Their colors are amazing!!! I love to catch a flash of red or magenta moving through the air at crazy speeds. And, what's even cooler is they can stop on a dime and just hover in mid-air! We have two varieties that populate our yard, Anna's that stay all year round, and Rufus that come in early spring to mid-summer. The Rufus birds are fun because you can hear the males moving in the air. They make this buzzing sound with their wings. So, I always know when they have arrived. And they are VERY aggressive, chasing away other birds from the territory they think is theirs. All hummers do dive displays too, usually to warn other birds that they are claiming certain feeders. They fly WAY UP HIGH into the air, then stop, turn, and make death defying dives straight towards the ground. And

they'll do it two, and three times in a row. It's amazing to watch.

Last year's feeder with Pine siskins
I also love songbirds. We had a couple of bird feeders in our yard that got destroyed by squirrels and rats last season. YUCK. So, I just recently purchased a new feeder, hoping this time to keep the squirrels out of it. So far, I haven't seen them on the feeder yet. What's totally frustrating is the BLUE BIRDS or BLUE JAYS. They are the prettiest birds; bright blue feathers and big too. However, they are LOUD and obnoxious and keeping all the other song birds from coming to feed. They make a mess of the seeds....tossing most of it to the ground to get to what they want. Grrrrr. If anyone else out there knows of how to gently send these blue birds packing, I'd love to hear it!

Here's the pesky "Blue Jay"

Feeling a little bi-polar!

Ok, I know I'm pregnant and that's got to be part of it. But man, I feel like I'm trapped on this roller coaster. One minute, I'm happy, feeling good, loving life, loving my children. The next, I'm angry, spiteful, jealous, tired, and grumpy. Is this normal? I know I need to slow down a bit. Only two more months to go and peanut will be here. But, I don't WANT to slow down. Sounds silly, huh? Sounds a little selfish and kinda like my 2 year old's whiny voice. I like my life at a busy pace. My mind needs to be fulfilled with something. I go crazy when I'm home for too long. The chores scream at me and I hate chores. So, I invite people over, go crazy filling my time with play dates and events. And then I fall apart when my body can't keep up. It's not fair to peanut, I know. So, I agree, I should slow down a bit. But, my mind is resisting! I'm looking at my calendar for next week and I only have TWO mornings scheduled! Ack! What will I do??? Rest, Jill. Relax, Jill. Be with your son, Jill. Do it now, before you really don't have the time anymore, Jill. Ok, Ok, OK! I'll try........

So, I have to just put up a few photos from Labor Day weekend. I almost did last night but ended up blogging about a bunch of feelings, instead. Sheesh!

We visited Jeremy's step-dad, Lonnie, at his home in Glenoma, WA. It was a fun couple of days spent playing on all the toys. There was the new hot tub to check out, three ATV's to ride on, tractor rides, blackberries to pick, and fun grown-up instruments to play. It was so nice to spend some time with family, and Lonnie is a welcoming host.

You gotta love the face Jeremy has in this shot.....Derick was REALLY into making lots of noise with those drums. And Lonnie said, "Have at it, Kid! That's why I have them!" I don't think he'd be saying that if he lived with a 2 year old all the time, would he???

Rachel got brave and took out the big ATV. She did pretty good....and in this pic, you can see Jeremy and Derick following her on a smaller ATV. Everyone had a blast riding, except for me. I'll wait until I'm not pregers, thank you!

I still giggle every time I see this photo. Jeremy reminds me so much of the TV show "Chips" from the 80's. Gotta love the style, babe. I heart you!

Here's Jewel, Jordan, and Derick. Cute cousins, for sure!

Missing Daddy......

It's the middle of a week without Daddy. He's gone on a business trip and D-man and I are hanging out, waiting for him to return. It's funny how you get so comfortable in your family rhythms that when they change, it's kinda a shock. The week leading up to hubby's departure was crazy busy and super stressful. I went on a cleaning spree and spent alot of my time deep cleaning our home. So, of course, Derick went on a bad behaviour and no nap spree in defiance to the lack of attention. Do you know how it feels when you are trying to get your child to take you seriously and they just laugh in your face? I have never known that kind of rage, before now. It's so hard to stay calm and firm in the face of such defiance. And add a little extra hormones to that, and it wasn't pretty. But we made it through, if a little worn out after all that emotion. As I was driving away from the airport on Monday, I cried. It hit me then that I was going to be The Parent for the next five days. God help us. And, guess what? Spirit arrived, right on cue, in the form of my parents. Tuesday morning, after my monthly OB appointment for peanut, we headed north to spend the night at my parent's house. They watched D while I got a hair cut, cleaned up my toe nails, read my book and generally took it easy. And, they did it joyfully, happily, and willingly. We slept in late, went out to breakfast, and took a loooonng nap today. It was just the peace I needed to reset my heart after such a troubled last couple of weeks. On our way home tonight, we talked to Daddy. He was walking home from having drinks with some of his co-workers. He said some really loving things to me and touched my heart deeply. I guess distance does make the heart grow fonder. (that and a few beers!)

So, I sit here now, thinking about my little family and how lucky I am to have the kind of support that I do. Loyal and loving, my husband is true. Goofy and sweet, my little boy is an amazing being; brought into my life for some wonderful learning. Supportive and loving, my parents open their hearts and home to us.

I haven't mentioned it much in my blog, but I really should......so I will now. (since I feel like I have alot to say tonight) Derick is really rocking the potty training!!!! I was so reluctant to even start him so soon (he's 2 years and 4 months old) but Jeremy really wanted to see if we could get him out of daytime diapers before peanut arrives in November. So, I said, it can't hurt to try. And to my AMAZEMENT, Derick is responding well. He has been wearing big boy underpants consistently now for a couple of weeks, with very few accidents. Our biggest trouble is to get him to stop doing what he's doing and go to the bathroom. As soon as he is there, he does his thing well. I still try to encourage him to go about every two to three hours, but there have been several occasions when he will tell me he has to go, on his own. So, I know we are continuing to make progress. He comes up dry at nap time and in the morning so I got daring tonight and let him go to bed in underpants instead of a diaper. I am so proud of him and wish I could say it's all because of our fabulous parenting. But alas, it's really about Derick. He's such a big boy and growing up so fast. I am just here to guide him, encourage him, and teach him everything I know. I do my best to be loving, gentle, and set firm boundaries. Other than that, he's going to grow into his own self. It's that part of parenthood that I find fascinating and mesmerizing. Sometimes, I find myself just watching those deep blue eyes and wondering, "Who are you, child?" Did this little person really come from Jeremy and I? How amazing it is to create something and then let it grow into it's own.

We visited the beach again today. This time, with our mom's group friends. It was low tide at Saltwater State Park in Des Moines and a perfectly gray day to explore the tide pools. We saw little rock crabs, three or four starfish, and tons of big shells. Derick and I love to play on the beach. He got wet, of course! He is my son, after all. I always bring extra clothes with me, so I let him do what he wanted. Freedom is priceless, especially at his tender age of 2. He gets enough direction/correction at home; it's nice to be somewhere and just be able to let him roam. We combed the beach, threw rocks, picked up seaweed and checked out sea life. I always feel rejuvenated at the beach. After our emotional and exhausting day yesterday, a calm morning was just what we needed.







PS: the scratches on his face are from a fall he took yesterday on our neighbor's stairs. After missing his nap, Derick was a little wobbly and must have tripped on the way down. I didn't see him start the fall. By the time I turned around, all I saw was legs in the air! But, he'll be the first to tell you, he's ok now.

Our little peanut is getting bigger all the time. I think we just went through another big growth spurt this week. I have been SOOOOO tired and sore the last couple of days. It's funny how babies move inside you. It's one of my favorite things about being pregnant. Some days, they will move so gently; quietly almost. You have to stop and pay attention to feel them moving. Other days, like yesterday, it's like a little gymnist has been let loose in there! And she was going for the gold! For almost an hour last night, she was poking, turning, jackhammering, and doing god knows what in there!! Jeremy said it sounds like she has Daddy's restless leg syndrome. Maybe she tap danced in a former life. It's fun to feel those big movements, but I was a little shocked at times. It's like having a body part that you don't have any control over, moving around. Strange. Cool. Like nothing else I've ever experienced before. I can't wait to meet her and watch those movements going on in front of me!

As a two year old, Derick sure does like to help Mommy and Daddy. Most of the time, it's fine and we try really hard to get him involved. Moving laundry for me, or stirring dinner....I can usually find a way. So far, Jeremy's projects seem to be a bit tougher for Derick helping hands. But, not this weekend. Here's a cute video of my perfectionist husband, letting his two year old son paint the deck. It only lasted a few minutes, but what a sweet moment.

Here's a couple of pics of our little man getting into his job!

It's hot in Renton. Hotter than it's been in a while. And, this weekend was the worst of it. UGH! I hate that feeling of being sticky all the time. It's hard for me to even want to touch another human, let alone be crawled on by my two year old. And then, add the pregnancy, and I have turned into a whiny, grumpy, bitch! Poor Jeremy and Derick. I really have been a bear these last few days. I'm happy to say, as I sit here, I can feel cool evening air flowing in from outside. It's already almost 10 degrees cooler now than at 5pm tonight. Ahhhhh....a return to normal. I hope it stays.

Jeremy has been busy this weekend, staining our deck. It's a project that's been on his wish list for almost 2 years! Poor guy, last time he tried to stain it, it rained that night and ruined the freshly laid protectant/stain. With all this sunny weather we've been having, we thought this was the perfect time to get it done. So, Jeremy carefully prepped the wood, made sure it was dry, the screws were all tight and the worst of the bumps were fixed. Then, he took four hours and carefully rolled on the stain. He's such a perfectionist! After two coats, it looked beautiful!! Like a brand new deck. I was so happy that he'd finally gotten it done. We went to bed in the heat, it was after midnight. Around 4am, a nasty thunderstorm blasted down over our heads! It woke us both out of a dead sleep. As we watched the lightening and thunder I realized with dread that it was RAINING!!!!! How could this happen, AGAIN? I was so bummed out. After about an hour of tossing and turning, I finally got a little more rest. The next morning, we surveyed the damages. It didn't look great, but it was beading a little. So, after breakfast, Jeremy went out to the deck with his leaf blower. He carefully blew off the water. Out popped the sun, and low and behold, the water spots disappeared! Our deck is saved! I was so happy to see it restored to last nights beauty. And, all of Jeremy's work was not for nothing. Have I mentioned how wonderful my husband is? He works so hard to take care of us, the house, and his own interests. I am truly lucky and blessed to be living my life with such a talented, loving, independent, and genuine man.

The Ocean calls me:

Whenever I am having internal struggle or just plain high emotions....I feel like turning to the ocean. For some reason, it calls me. It soothes me. It hears my aches, pains, sadness, gladness and helps me wash them all away. Taking them from my body and returning all that energy to a place that can handle it. I love the ocean. Stormy: bring it on. I love to watch mother earth toss her power around with water. Sunny: warm my back; warm my heart and fill me with joy. Cloudy: a blank backdrop to all the colors that fill me up. Windy: brush by my cheek and whisper nothingness in my ear. Anytime, any weather, I LOVE the beach.

Today was the first day Derick was able to tell us he needed to go potty before (or almost) going in his underpants. We have started the potty training in earnest in hopes to be near fully trained before Peanut arrives. Jill and I were sharing with my family that we didn't think he was quite ready yet so we were basically quiting for now. My mom said, "Your giving up already?" So yesteday afternoon , we put him in underpants and he quickly proceeded to wet himself. He walked a little funny after that but was not particulary bothered by it. Then he was put in time out and did not like sitting in his wet short. He really wanted to go inside. Daddy's tough love may have made an impression. This morning, I put him in underpants again and at breakfast, he said, "I have to go poopy", which means #1 & #2. I figured he was bluffing, but when Jill reminded me that I have to honor his statement, I said, "let's go" but he did not want to go. I told him that he can come with me and go poddy or sit in his wet underpants if he wets them. He wanted Mommy to come, so we all went to the bathroom and he went on the toilet. He has been doing that for some time now, but always on Mommy and Daddy's orders. He was a tiny bit wet so I think he realized that he didn't want to be and was able to tell us. It didn't seem like that big of a deal at the time but hopefully it was the beginning of him really learning when he has to go.

My nephew, Cooper, is turning 1 in a couple of weeks and is really starting to walk well. I had to upload this video of him during a family night at my parent's house. We still meet every week for dinner. It's a wonderful time to catch up, or just hang out and be together. My Mom and Dad usually cook for us, but sometimes Jodi and will host. I am so very blessed to have such a wonderful family. They are so supportive, loving, and my safe place in the storms of life. My parents are my role models, and I strive to be as strong and loving with my children as they have been with me.

Here's more pics from that night........

Coops walking along with the push truck.

Cooper and his Daddy, Brian.

Papa trying to contain the D-Man!

Pain, Pain, go away!

I have experienced lots of different kinds of pain in my life. Heartache, body aches, back aches. Right now, I am experiencing a new pain.....it's a pinched nerve in my neck. I've probably had it before, but never with this much pain. It's bringing me to my knees today. In the past, when I have had pain, I would go get a massage or two and it would heal. But this time, it's more than just muscle aches or tightness. It's every time I move. It's there when I sleep. (or try to). It's there when I drive. It's there when I put my little boy to nap. It's affecting my mood, my parenting, my relationship with my husband and my friends. I'm already so very emotional, being pregnant. This is just adding a new layer. So, after a week of struggling, I decided to follow the advice of my husband and massage friend, and go see a Chiropractor. I have never seen one before. I am afraid of the cracking. The adjustments. The time commitment. The cost. I know lots of people that go. Lots of people are healed. So, I went, full of fear and my husbands, "I told you so and you should have done it a long time ago" voice in my head. It was just as I expected. The adjustments came quickly and they were loud and scary sounding. But I survived. I'm still sore, still in pain. Still releasing all this emotion. Lord, I must have been parking alot of S***t in my neck. But I know there's no quick fix. Healing is a time commitment. So, I'm going to keep going, pushing past my fear, to see if I can make this pain go away. Go away, Pain! Go away!

So, have you ever had one of those days when you feel out of control? Your emotions are riding that crazy roller coaster and you can't seem to make it stop?!? Yeah, well, that was me today. I was all over the map. And feeling so sensitive. I had some really touching moments as I was watching my son working to master the potty. We are starting to step things up a bit to try and get him closer to out of daytime diapers before November. He's so amazing, all that learning that happens so fast. He communicates so well sometimes, and then in the next moment he reverts back to caveman talk...or he starts making up his own little language. What a high! Then, only a few hours later, I was feeling so abandoned, like I was all alone in my world. I felt like saying, why am I bothering??? I have laughed deeply and cried sadly today.

I know it must be hormones. Our little lady continues to grow. I feel her moving alot now. It's the best part of pregnancy for me. Well, until the baby comes. I love to be caught in the middle of something and feel her bump up against me. I will try to sit still for a moment and think of her. Maybe even tell her how much I love to feel her move. Last night, Jeremy pulled out our wombsong and talked into the microphone to her. It was so sweet. And our little girl responded. She was kicking and rolling right under the speaker. It was the BEST. I am still wondering how all this will work, having two little ones. But, I already love her so much. And I can't wait to hold her in my arms. It will be a beautiful day to have a newborn again. With Derick, I wasn't so sure I loved the newborn stage. But now that he's a big boy, I find I kinda miss it. Holding other newborn babies, I am reminded of the special moments only a newborn can bring. So, I look forward with anticipation.

These kinds of days, these crazy days, will pass. Time marches on and one day soon, I'll be looking into the eyes of my daughter. Dreams really do come true.

I just had to share this image, since it keeps coming back to me since it happened. This week, I traveled with my mom and son to E. WA to visit family. We were sitting by the pool one afternoon, in the Spokane heat, and all of a sudden, a strong, warm pine smell floated by me. It was amazing. My aunt said it was the pine tree in her yard. Have you ever smelled hot pine trees? OMG, I could have sat there and smelled that smell forever. It was such a sweet, warm, fresh scent. If I could bottle it, I would. It made me feel so relaxed, so peaceful, so happy. Sitting in the sun, feeling the warm air move across my face, and smelling that sweet warm pine tree. That was relaxation.

So, I just have to share this moment......
Today was a beautiful day. It was warm, about 70, with a breeze and a few clouds in the sky. You just can't beat the NW on a sunny day. It's GORGEOUS! I'm feeling so good right now. I had some good friends over today, the kids played, we talked. It was so relaxing and refreshing. This evening, I got to go to water aerobics. It's a great way to end my evening....with some me time. Plus, I ALWAYS feel better after a workout. On my way home, the sun was shining in that late evening, slanted across the road way, the windows were down, and the radio was playing an old song, "Forever Young" that took me back. It was just one of those moments where your heart lifts a little bit more that before, and you think.....it's SO good to be alive!

Expecting.....

We made it! 12 weeks is here. Some times, I forget still. But, the doctor heard the heartbeat. It's real. A new little baby is on it's way. My own heart beats faster when I think about adding to our already crazy life. And then, the image of a newborn face, so fragile and sweet swims up in my mind and I am thrilled!! Beautiful baby, mama waits for you. I am waiting to feel you moving inside me, kicking and stretching with life. I am waiting to see your sweet face, hear your little cry, hold you in my arms and comfort you to sleep. Mama waits......it's a long journey to November.

Jeremy decided yesterday that Derick was ready for a big boy bed. YIKES! So, off came the crib railing, yesterday afternoon. Being the handy man that he is, Jeremy built a side rail that slides under the mattress to keep Derick from rolling out of bed. It works really well and Derick was SO excited!!! As soon as that crib wall was off, he was in and out of that bed. Get in, throw everything on the floor. Get out, put it all back into bed again. It was so cute to watch him get so excited about his big boy bed. I was a little nervous about how bedtime would go, but it all worked out really well. Derick was tired, and after stories, he laid down, listened to my songs, and went to sleep. Stayed there all night. Today, at nap, same story. I am SO proud of him. I guess the timing was right. I’m not sure it will stay this way, but I’m going to enjoy it for now.

Lessons Learned from an almost 2 yr old:
The new year is now into it's second month (well, almost) and I am working on loosing some weight and getting back into taking better care of myself. It's not a resolution, just some goals for myself. Over the holidays, I went through some tough, emotional times. And I really let go of my self care. Lately, I haven't been enjoying the view from the bathroom mirror. So at breakfast this morning, I was watching my son. I was thinking about his eating patterns. He only eats when he's hungry. When he does eat, it's just until he's full, and it usually takes twice as long as my husband and I. Hmmmmm. I decided today that I would try to follow his lead. Only eat when I'm hungry, SLOW down, and stop when I start to feel full. It's not as easy as it sounds, at least at first! It's so funny to me, how well I take care of his needs. We get out everyday to get exercise; I make sure he gets to run and explore new things as much as I can. Do I do that for me??? No. Why is this? I am just as important as he is. And the better I take care of myself, the better mommy I can be. I know all this already.....but putting it into practice is not that easy. Come on, Mamma! Let's begin the journey to becoming lighter and more in love with me!

Am I a lucky SOB or what. Hey what's this about HOT...what?

I saw the movie, "PS, I Love You" tonight with a good friend. I cried, laughed, and cried some more. It was such a good reminder to stay present in the moment. To love fully with all your heart. To cherish the now. I came home aching to just touch my husband. I wanted to tell him about all the love I have in my heart for him, and our son. I am so very thankful of the blessings in my life. It's so easy to take them for granted. Especially since I had left the house feeling like the work horse wife, "All I ever do is clean up after you guys!" It's good to take a break from your usual routine and remember why you started down this path. It's good to remember the past, how you feel in love, and why you chose the partner you chose. And it's good to remember to take care of yourself. So that you can continue to take care of those you love.
I would recommend this movie to anyone, esp the ladies. It will touch your heart. (Plus the actors in that movie are HOT!!!! I'm married, but not dead, people!)

This year, the holiday has been a mixed bag for me. For the last few days, I've been working hard to find my good spirit. I really do love this time of year, and the last few days leading up to Christmas are always full of family and friends; some of my favorite times. I admit, I haven't been the most fun to be around so far. But, today I had that moment I have been waiting for. Jeremy's family goes caroling every year on the 23rd. I just love this tradition and now some of my family and friends have gotten into it too! We borrow a truck and trailer, pile all the kids and adults willing to go in the back, and we head out to sing our hearts out. Then we come back to the house for hot cocoa, apple cider, and goodies. It had been raining for days.....and hard all day today. I was so bummed out and didn't feel like going. I almost told Jeremy we should just cancel it. Just as our family and friends were arriving, the rain stopped. We were able to go after all! And without all the rain gear and umbrellas! YAY! It always warms my heart to see people come to the door, surprised and shocked to hear us singing outside. One woman even brought out candy to share with us. I know we are a sight and everyone enjoys it, including me. Thank you, Spirit, for this gift of love tonight. I found my moment that will carry me through the rest of this holiday. May each of you find your moments too.
Blessings,
Jill

Things I am thankful for:

Holding hands with my love; bright blue, laughing eyes; the feeling of warm, worked muscles; sunshine; rain storms; changing seasons; kissing under the covers; clean sheets; warm coffee in the morning; Gerber daisies; warm chocolate chip cookies; the look in my father's eyes when I greet him; the sound of ocean waves; the sound of my son giggling; that feeling of being completely understood by another; friendships; yummy food; the opportunity to stay home from work and raise my child; photos of those people I love; camping trips; date nights; SEX, SEX, SEX! (and so much more)

Hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving!

I just have to brag a little bit! Ever since Derick's 18 month doc apt, I have been wondering how many words he really says. The doc asked, and we guessed....about 20 to 30 that he uses correctly. Maybe more infrequently. But, the number kept nagging me. So, this weekend, I sat down with a pen and paper and started to write them down. An hour later and 204 words written on the paper and I had to stop! I had run out of room on the page!!! I couldn't believe it. And, we kept thinking (and hearing from his own mouth) more and more. He's amazing, getting them so quickly now. I have to be very careful when I'm talking, even if he's not really in the conversation. Cuz, he's listening like a hawk. 200+ words, at 18/19 Months! I wonder where he got that gift of gab, Hmmmmmm?

Do you ever feel lonely, even though you have lots of good friends? Today, I just feel sad. I've been kinda ignoring it all day. I was thinking of old times.......when life was different. My best friend and I did everything together (well, almost). We were so close. Of course, things have changed. They always do. Marriage, kids, jobs. I have another best friend now, my sweetie. But, it's not the same. I have lots of new friends, good women who are doing alot of the same things I am doing. I value these new friendships very much. I know I should just reach out and call someone. I don't. Not sure why. Fear of rejection? Fear that they won't understand? Fear that they just don't like me? That's the old tapes in my head talking. Insecure Jill. I haven't seen her in a while. It must be this darkness. I am missing something today. Some deep knowing-ness that comes from years of friendship or a deeper connection. So, I called my dear old friend, and we chatted. Caught up a bit. But there's too much separate life there, or just not enough time spent together recently. It's so distant now. I am sure it's mostly my fault. I let her go a bit when I became a mom. I put so much of myself into my family, I don't have much left for friendships like I used to. Sounds so cold when put into words, but it's the truth. I miss my friend, she's just like that really comfortable pair of sweats that you keep in the bottom of your drawer and pull out when nothing else fits right.

As I sit here, the sun is peeking it's head up above the trees. So pretty....it's been a long time since I have been up before the sun. (Well, out of bed to enjoy it, anyway) I am taking a trip today, going away for the weekend.....without Derick and Jeremy. It's my first time since Derick was born. I'm excited and nervous. I couldn't sleep, so I just got up and got all the things I was laying there thinking about, done. Now, I wait for the boy to rise. And, I am reflecting on how nice my life is. How much I love my family. And, how much I am looking forward to a quiet, restful, weekend to myself. A women's retreat. In one of the most beautiful places in this state.

Jeremy will be great with Derick. They get along so well already......and yet, there's a tug of worry I can't ignore. I'm so used to taking care of others, it feels strange to be leaving that duty for a couple of days. I also know that Jeremy is looking forward to being THE parent. He'll get to do it his way, without me looking over his shoulder. I'm sure it'll be fun for him. And challenging.....Derick is not easy right now. The tantrums have begun. He's so busy exploring a new world he's discovered: the table (and anything at that height). But, Jeremy will handle it fine. That's one of the reasons I married him. Very capable of rising to a challenge.

The sky is lighter now, pink and rose have given way to the light blue and white stripes of light clouds. I hear Derick stirring. Time to go put on some coffee and enjoy this morning time before I go. Blessed Be.

This week has been one of the most challenging weeks in my short life as a parent. I know it's just the beginning of Derick's need to stretch out and find his boundaries, thank goodness we don't go from infant to adolescence in a year. Baby steps, please.

After many weeks of great bedtimes; Daddy stepping in more often, Derick going to sleep on his own, no nursing; we are taking a few steps backwards. All of a sudden, he won't go to bed. Just doesn't want to. Screams for us, wants milk, wants water, claims he's poopy, wants a bite......anything to get our attention. It's maddening! What happened to my little boy? All at once, 8pm hits and it's now the raging lunatic!?! That kind of crying is not fair for mommies.....did you know it tears our hearts every time we hear it? Nothing I can do to change that, no matter what. There is no rational reasoning to fix that little bit of my heart that tears when I hear him cry this way. I tried every other way I know to get him down...won't work, short of me sleeping with him in the chair. I love my son, but I am not willing to sleep in a chair every night with him!

So, the battle of the wills has begun. Round one was last night......The score: Mommy 1, Derick 1. I let him cry it out for 45 mins last night....didn't go in. Mommy wins. But this morning, he woke at 4:45am. I went in. Couldn't get him back to bed....he cried for an hour. I finally gave up and we stayed up for the day. Derick wins. Tonight, I will be stronger. I will prevail. I have to. But that doesn't mean it'll be tear free for either of us.

My sweetie and I celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary this week. We took D Man to the Zoo on Thursday, for some family time. The Point Defiance Zoo is soooooo great for kids! It's much smaller (less trekking around), and the animals are close up and easier to see. I could have stayed all day in the Beluga Whale viewing area. And, it was a weekday-and after school has started-we had the place to ourselves!
Today, Jeremy and I had some one-on-one time. We went to see the movie Good Luck, Chuck. It was cute, better than the preview made it seem. Then, we had dinner and drinks at Canyon's with a little beach walk and ice cream to top the evening off. It was SO nice to spend some romantic time with my love. My tanks have been running on fumes lately.....it's amazing what one afternoon of "us time" can do for the marriage. We need to do this more often. I am one lucky lady to be loved so well. I have an amazing partner to share this lifetime with.

Another big milestone has come......for the last two nights, I have put Derick to bed without nursing. Sigh. It's a bittersweet ending for me. I was so glad we nursed as long as we did, and I was ready to let go and be done. We've been slowly eliminating a feeding until it was down to the one before bed. Tonight, I just held him, rocked a bit, and sang some songs. Every time I stopped singing, he would pop his head up and say "more?" in that sweet baby voice. My heart melted. He's not a little baby anymore. He's becoming a little boy. For the last week or so, I have been able to lay him down in his crib semi awake and he has been falling asleep on his own. This was my sign that it was time to end the breastfeeding. And so it goes.......we move forward to the next stage. I am proud of him, sad for the loss of that dependant little being, and excited for the emerging independent child. The words are coming so fast now, he mimics us constantly. He's even picking up more signs too. There is so much to look forward to. Dry your eyes, mommy, and turn your face towards another new day.

The most wonderful thing happened today! Well, it may not seem wonderful to everyone, but it was wonderful to me!!! Derick and I came home from a birthday party today and he was WOUND up! I was not looking forward to putting him down for his nap like that.....but it was past time. So, I held him, rocked him, sung to him as usual (we have begun the weaning process and are now down to just one nursing-at bedtime). He wiggled, and giggled, and looked up at me with a smile. I finally said, "Derick, you have two choices: either you settle down with me or I'm going to put you in the crib and you can settle down on your own." He kept wiggling, so I did just that. Put him down, covered him with his blanket and told him good night. Now, in the past, he'd be crying for me before I could get to the door. But today, he just looked at me with a somewhat surprised face as I left. No peep, no tears, no fight. Just quiet. AMAZING!!! I realize this may not happen again for a while, but I think it's the first sign that we are getting closer to being able to put him to bed without alot of aids. Ahhhh, Yay for progress!

I am so happy to announce that my sister had her baby boy on Sunday! His name is Cooper Drew Kunz. Born Sunday August 12th, at about 6pm. He weighed in at 8lbs, 10oz and is 21 inches long. My sister labored over 27 hours for Cooper.....way to go, Girl! She was pretty tired that night. I raced home from a camping trip in time to be there for his birth. I feel so lucky to be sharing this crazy thing called parenthood with my sister. I hope it will help us continue to grow closer as adults. I love her so much!

ahhhh..........the rains have come back! God, how I love a good rain. The air is so fresh; the cool breeze coming in my window carries the smell of grass and damp cement, and the sound of patter, patter-tiny water drops hitting leaves. I am a true Northwest girl. Don't get me wrong, I love the sun. It's bright light helps me get through the days. But every once in a while, a summer rain is just what my soul (and the earth) needs! I was supposed to go camping today....but we postponed it. It'll be more fun in dry weather. Plus, this gives me a couple of days that are unplanned. A luxury this time of year. So, I sit here smelling the fresh air and giving thanks for it's simple pleasure. Water: a life giving entity. Brings me a new perspective and peace.

Every time I try to change our night time routine.....it goes badly. Tonight, I knew he was tired. We nursed as usual. We rocked more than usual. He's been hard to put down since our camping trip. I was hot, tired, and ready for some of my own time. So, just as his lids drifted down, I decided to put him in the crib. (I usually wait until he's almost asleep) As soon as I did, he was awake and crying for me. Screaming, really. I tried to do that thing they tell you to.....Say good night, leave, come back and reassure him (but don't pick him up!), and leave again. More screaming, stomping feet, lots of tears......breaking my heart. 45 mins later and I give in. I just know all he wants is some love....rocking, back rubs, and a gentle voice.....he's asleep in 5 mins. And, I failed again. Every time I try to do what the books tell you.....put them down before they are asleep......this is the story. He screams, I break. Makes me feel like a crappy mommy. But, I feel worse listening to my child scream for me. I know he won't be 40 and needing to be rocked to sleep.....right? After he's calm, I watch him rest in my arms. So beautiful, that face. He's a dream come true for me. And I feel the weight of responsibility in that moment. To raise him right. To do what's right. And I'm scared. Cuz I can't even get him to bed they way they say is right. I can feel the disapproval from dh. I know he wants me to be stronger. I tried, really I did. But mommy has a weakness. Her baby's tears.

So, how crazy am I??? We went camping this week, with a one year old! OMG....that was a working vacation like no other. Camping with a kid was so much easier when Derick wasn't walking. I didn't think about the road through the park: not to mention cars going by....but kids on bikes/scooters/walking dogs....YIKES! And if you know my sweet little boy, you know he was in the road every chance he got! We used the back pack alot for meal time, which worked fine but he's not light, people! Add to that some stress.....the camper wouldn't raise (we found out later that the bike rack that Jeremy put on, messed up the lifting mechanism), throw in some Eastern Washington HEAT, and NASTY, vicious mosquitoes.....all that equated to an early departure for home. We did have some fun moments....we were joined by my parents for a couple of days and all of us went to see a demolition derby with fireworks in the small town of Waterville, WA. That was some FUN people watching.....I haven't seen that many bubbas in one place in a long time. We dipped in Lake Wenatchee-that is a COLD lake....but so pretty. And we had some great meals-Jeremy and I love to cook outdoors. It just always tastes soooo good. All in all, it was a learning experience. I think I'll stick to less-buggy places until bub is older and maybe make sure there's lots of helping hands along to watch out for our little explorer.
I hope everyone had a safe and happy 4th of July.

I'm turning 34 today. Amazing. That number sounds so mature to me. So middle age. So different than I feel. Isn't that funny? I don't really feel middle aged. Except when I've been playing on the floor for a couple of hours with Derick.....then, my knees will tell me my age. I always dreamed about being a mother when I was a young girl. Wondered how it would feel, what I would do, who I would be a parent with. Being here is way different than I imagined.....better in many ways, harder than I dreamed. I try to remember what it felt like to be a child......when all I thought about was my friends, playing with my sister, camping trips with my parents, which boy was cuter and would he notice me......the carefree times that seem so simple now.
Now, I have a son of my own. My thoughts are more about how to raise him to be a good person, help him manage his emotions, help him learn to share with others, help him learn to respect others and mother earth, and sometimes, just how to get through the day without a meltdown from either of us! I think about how to keep the connection alive with my lover, how to support him and his dreams, and how to be a good wife. I think about how to keep our cash flow in the black, and how to keep our dinners interesting, and how to get the laundry done with a 1 year old running around. I think about how to keep myself grounded, real, and in some sort of good shape. I think about my friends, old and new and how to find time for myself when it seems there isn't any.
It's a full plate and sometimes, it feels like too much!! But, when I stop and do all this thinking, I realize this is exactly how I want it. My life is busy, full of good people, brimming with love, and moving at a lively pace. Perfect for a 34 year old woman!